Git Yer Gadgets Away From That Horse

Can’t a western just be a western? Although the western was the most lucrative and virile genre for decades, it largely petered out in the late-‘70s/early-‘80s after it became really self-aware and basically ran out of ways to evolve. There will always be an audience for ‘em, though, and some continue to get made (The Unforgiven, Open Range and The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford being three important examples), unfortunately the few “westerns” that show up in the multiplexes are mostly pseudo-westerns, where the genre itself is just novelty dressing.

You’ve got Young Guns, which is really a teen heartthrob action movie; Bad Girls, a Charlie’s Angels-in-the-old-west kinda story; Posse, a modern blaxploitation in the old west tale; Back to the Future III, a blockbuster sci-fi adventure-comedy; Wild, Wild West, a blockbuster sci-fi action-comedy; and The Missing, Ron Howard’s supernatural mystery/drama set in the old West, as some examples. Most of these films use the well-established clichés of the genre, such as shoot-outs, horse chases or saloon fights, to give a spin to a story that could otherwise be set modern day. And most of them are awful because of it. (Back to the Future III actually works pretty well because the story itself is actually about modern technology in an old world, and it puts some pretty clever spins on the juxtaposition.)

None of these movies are as bad as Jonah Hex, though. Being a bit of a fan of the comic book (which ironically later became just Hex when the character was transported into a futuristic post-apocalyptic setting – mwah! Glavin!), I spat in the face of better judgment and went to see it in the theatre. And, yes, I would’ve had a better time being kicked in the neck by a horse. Currently, it’s got my vote for worst film of the year.

It’s terrible in many,many different ways: the dull direction, the horrible editing that seems to smash two or three different, separately shot, versions of the plot together, the gaping logic and character inconsistencies, the unfinished-looking computer effects and the non-presence of Megan Fox – despite the glaring presence of the Megan Fox corset-boobs that are attached to her. I could go on, but, in short, it rained creative horse apples in the theatre that night. (With the exception of star Josh Brolin, who tried his darndest to sell the character, even with all that rubbery scar makeup on his face.)

What does need to be pointed out is the worst offense of all: the pointless modernization of the story. If the Hex character, with his standard Old West hero deadly aim, trusty horse and dog sidekick, plus – PLUS! – his non-standard supernatural knack for communicating with the dead, dodging bullets and surviving shotgun wounds, wasn’t powerful enough, some jackass (maybe one of the screenwriters, maybe not) decided he needed super-weapons.

So, we see Hex level a town via the massive, fully automated, dual Gatling guns mounted on his horse(!?!). Later, he buys grenade launcher pistols. But, I guess it, like, only makes sense, seeing as the bad guy (a very slumming John Malkovich) has a super-bomb he’s trying to destroy the nation’s capital with – on July 4th no less!!! It’s a hilariously failed attempt to modernize the story with a terrorism plot.

There are decades of Hex stories to draw upon, and no need to toss in a bunch of contemporary gadgetry. At all. Y’see, there’s a level of drama to the western genre in the whole man-vs.-nature/the dangerous frontier theme, which is lost when you add weaponized horses and magic exploding cannonballs [slaps head, shakes fist at sky]. There’s really nothing worse than that kinda crap in a western, or in any period film, for that matter (e.g. Van Helsing).

The bigger issue, really, is that Warner Bros. didn’t trust a western to be just a western (because of the relentless need to market to teens). Screw the comic book fans, screw the western fans. Unsurprisingly, the result is a mess that appeals to know one at all, outside the hardcore Megan Fox boob-watchers, of course.

So why bother making the movie in the first place?

-Dave Alexander