T
hree dollars and
thirty three cents – that’s what I paid for Stargate.
Curse you, video store sale bin and your Buy 2 Get 1 Free $5 movie bin siren
song. I’ve never much been interested in the whole Stargate universe and all of
its T.V. incarnations, and my memories of seeing the film that started it all
were vague at best, after all, it had been eighteen years since I caught the
theatrical run. I was so tempted by the price and the lure of “Ultimate Edition”
and “Extended Cut,” though, that dammit, I completely forgot it was a Roland
Emmerich movie. I mean, sure, it was only $3.33, but I still don’t really want
it stinking up my DVD shelf, potentially leaking its suck onto my other films,
like an old, corroded battery bubbling with acid and other toxins. Blech.
It’s an accepted fact of the universe, like gravity, sunsets
and Saw sequels, that Roland Emmerich
makes bad movies. Universal Soldier, Independence Day, the Hollywood Godzilla remake, The Day After Tomorrow, 10
000 B.C., 2012, etc. – all guilty
of one-dimensional characters, cliché plots, lack of even basic logic and more
flag-waving than a Grand Prix race. That’s not to say they’re not fun as hell
sometimes – Day After Tomorrow and 2012 rate high on the guilty pleasure
scale for me – but devoid of their theatrical eye-candy explosions, there’s
little to warrant owning them (well, maybe if you’ve got one of those super
pimped-out home theatre systems…).
Stargate, although
driven by some cool sci-fi concepts (the ancient Egyptians build the pyramids
in tribute to an alien that advanced civilization but demanded to be
worshipped) is still pretty terrible. Just the scene of the simple sand folk
saluting the army men in awestruck honour was enough to make it almost as
barf-worthy as Independence Day. Not
an easy feat.
Before I move on, it warrants mentioning that this “Extend
Cut” is actually two minutes shorter than what’s listed online as the
theatrical running time! Plus, the most notable “Ultimate” feature is a short
featurette called Is There a Stargate?.
But let’s face it: I wasn’t going to partake in the extras anyhow…
My plan was to rip on the movie and Emmerich more, but when
I was poking around online for info, I discovered that he’s actually a really
interesting dude. For starters, you wouldn’t think that some of the most
laughably patriotic/militaristic/right-wing American films would be made by a
gay German guy who campaigns against global warming and is a big supporter of
Hilary Clinton. It just goes to show that a person’s art isn’t always a window into
their personality, which is something we fans and critics often forget. I’m
guilty of it myself all the time. I hate Michael Bay’s
filmmaking so much, for example, that I assume he’s a loathsome human being. And
maybe he is a man-toad with a surfer haircut, but I shouldn’t assume it based
solely on his (artless) art.
The
more I read about Emmerich, the more I respected him. He’s says that he
genuinely likes making popcorn movies for the masses, so points for honesty. He
also makes some pretty pointed comments about homophobia and racism in Hollywood (saying that
the studio was against him casting Will Smith in Independence Day because he’s black), which is ballsy, biting the
hand that feeds. Also, he turned down Spider-Man
because he doesn’t care for superhero stories, which was a win for fans of that
movie everywhere.
Roland Emmerich: I’d have a beer with you, but just don’t
ask me about your films, because that’d be a genuine disaster story.
-Dave Alexander
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