Godzilla vs. King Tut

When last I blogged I was musing about the badtacular films of Roland Emmerich (see below), and, in particular, revisiting his 1994 Egyptian-themed, sci-fi blockbuster Stargate. Well, today I visited the King Tut exhibit at the Art Gallery of Ontario (AGO), marveled at the priceless artifacts of antiquity sourced from his tomb, learned much about mummies and life in ancient Egypt and saw no sign of an actual Stargate – though I desperately wished for one to escape the overcrowded exhibit rooms.

But, I did see Mummies: Secrets of the Pharaohs, a 30-minute 3-D film about the discovery of the pharaohs’ tombs and the greater riches of the medical knowledge gained from the 3000-year-old DNA of the mummies. Narrated by Christopher Lee (bonus!), it’s part re-enactment set during the turn of the century when grave robbers first uncovered the long-sought-after royal tombs, and part medical mystery (how did the ancient Egyptians mummy bodies, and what can we learn about the evolution of malaria by studying the bodies?). The 3-D is exceptional, as well, not showy or schlocky, but used to make the already epic architecture even more epic. If you live in Toronto, you can see it before the exhibit ends in three weeks, or you can buy the film on DVD or Blu-ray, but it’s not in 3-D.

(On a side note, I noticed, among the ugly, criminally overpriced crap at the gift shop, a bunch of docs about ancient Egypt. Many of them were available on VHS, and I realized that museum/tourist attraction gift shops, are pretty much the last place you can find new VHS films.)

I hit the IMDb to find out more about Keith Melton, who directed Secrets of the Pharaohs. Expectedly, he’s done a bunch of similar shorts for various attractions: Mystic India, Ultimate G’s, Cirque du Soleil: Journey of Man. However, I was surprised to see that he’s apparently working on his first 3-D feature, and it’s a big one… literally. According to the IMDb, Melton may be making Godzilla 3-D.

Yes, “AWESOME!” is exactly what I said, and then pumped my fist in the air! I checked Wikipedia and found this tidbit:

 

Yoshimitsu Banno, the maker of Godzilla vs. Hedorah, had recently acquired the rights to produce an IMAX film of his own titled Godzilla 3-D to the Max, in which Godzilla was to battle a new monster called Deathla. However, little has been heard about the project of late, and it is generally assumed to be abandoned. However, the Internet Movie Database's profile on "Godzilla 3D" currently states that the film is in pre-production as of 2011, but will most likely release in 2014, Godzilla's 60th birthday.

 

The dumb “to the Max” part of the title notwithstanding, that sounds like about as much fun as you could have in the theatre. I’d never considered it before, but Godzilla is the perfect 3-D vehicle, seeing as it’s all about big visuals, things breaking and flying through the air, blasts of fire, stomping and  giants fighting – oh my! I’m hyperventilating at the thought of it. In fact, I’m fairly certain that the entire history of 3-D has simply been a precursor to this event, practice for greatest three-dimensional spectacle to ever grace silver screens. Hell maybe, even history itself has been leading up to Godzilla 3-D. Perhaps the only reason Roland Emmerich’s awful American Godzilla remake came to pass was to ensure that he wouldn’t be offered this one. Maybe, just maybe the ancient Egyptians foretold of this epic event 3000 years ago. Why else did they build pyramids obelisks? To ensure Godzilla didn’t stomp their tombs and temples, of course. Were there any giant lizards on the Rosetta Stone? Hmmm…

OK, that might be a big ole bag of crazy talk, but one thing is absolutely certain: if the Egyptians were able to built great civilizations 3000 years ago, I should be able to sit in a theatre today and see Godzilla throw a giant monster at my head.

 

-Dave Alexander

Nice Guy, Bad Art

Three dollars and thirty three cents – that’s what I paid for Stargate. Curse you, video store sale bin and your Buy 2 Get 1 Free $5 movie bin siren song. I’ve never much been interested in the whole Stargate universe and all of its T.V. incarnations, and my memories of seeing the film that started it all were vague at best, after all, it had been eighteen years since I caught the theatrical run. I was so tempted by the price and the lure of “Ultimate Edition” and “Extended Cut,” though, that dammit, I completely forgot it was a Roland Emmerich movie. I mean, sure, it was only $3.33, but I still don’t really want it stinking up my DVD shelf, potentially leaking its suck onto my other films, like an old, corroded battery bubbling with acid and other toxins. Blech.

It’s an accepted fact of the universe, like gravity, sunsets and Saw sequels, that Roland Emmerich makes bad movies. Universal Soldier, Independence Day, the Hollywood Godzilla remake, The Day After Tomorrow, 10 000 B.C., 2012, etc. – all guilty of one-dimensional characters, cliché plots, lack of even basic logic and more flag-waving than a Grand Prix race. That’s not to say they’re not fun as hell sometimes – Day After Tomorrow and 2012 rate high on the guilty pleasure scale for me – but devoid of their theatrical eye-candy explosions, there’s little to warrant owning them (well, maybe if you’ve got one of those super pimped-out home theatre systems…).

Stargate, although driven by some cool sci-fi concepts (the ancient Egyptians build the pyramids in tribute to an alien that advanced civilization but demanded to be worshipped) is still pretty terrible. Just the scene of the simple sand folk saluting the army men in awestruck honour was enough to make it almost as barf-worthy as Independence Day. Not an easy feat.

Before I move on, it warrants mentioning that this “Extend Cut” is actually two minutes shorter than what’s listed online as the theatrical running time! Plus, the most notable “Ultimate” feature is a short featurette called Is There a Stargate?. But let’s face it: I wasn’t going to partake in the extras anyhow…

My plan was to rip on the movie and Emmerich more, but when I was poking around online for info, I discovered that he’s actually a really interesting dude. For starters, you wouldn’t think that some of the most laughably patriotic/militaristic/right-wing American films would be made by a gay German guy who campaigns against global warming and is a big supporter of Hilary Clinton. It just goes to show that a person’s art isn’t always a window into their personality, which is something we fans and critics often forget. I’m guilty of it myself all the time. I hate Michael Bay’s filmmaking so much, for example, that I assume he’s a loathsome human being. And maybe he is a man-toad with a surfer haircut, but I shouldn’t assume it based solely on his (artless) art.

The more I read about Emmerich, the more I respected him. He’s says that he genuinely likes making popcorn movies for the masses, so points for honesty. He also makes some pretty pointed comments about homophobia and racism in Hollywood (saying that the studio was against him casting Will Smith in Independence Day because he’s black), which is ballsy, biting the hand that feeds. Also, he turned down Spider-Man because he doesn’t care for superhero stories, which was a win for fans of that movie everywhere.

Roland Emmerich: I’d have a beer with you, but just don’t ask me about your films, because that’d be a genuine disaster story.

 

-Dave Alexander

An Outbreak of Cinephobia

If you love movies, podcasts and guys with British accents, you should definitely be listening to Cinephobia. The film culture-themed podcast, which grew out of the Cinephobia radio show on Toronto's CKLN radio station, is the creation of one Stuart Feedback Andrews (who also happens to be one of the voices on Rue Morgue Radio, Rue Morgue magazine's weekly horror-themed podcast).

Stu interviewed a bunch of film types for a series called The Zeroes,in order to discuss the best and worst films of the past decade. He included me on the latest installment, along with Toronto International Film Festival programmer Colin Geddes, Todd Brown from Twitch and journalist Chris Alexander (no relation). We both reveled in the epic awfulness of Battlefield Earth, and I tried to make him come to his senses about the genius of Wes Anderson.

Give it a listen here, and then check out the two previous Zeroes shows for interviews with other film-types, including notorious, "bad" filmmaker Uwe Boll.

As Stu says (riffing on A Clockwork Orange), viddy well...

-Dave Alexander

Eh-List Superhero

How can I care about the Captain America movie when there’s no Captain Canuck movie on the horizon? It was just announced that Chris Evans was offered the role of Captain America in the upcoming The First Avenger: Captain America. Evans is best know for playing The Human Torch in the absolutely awful Fantastic Four movies, and he’s one of those generic pretty boy actors, which kind of makes him ideal for the traditionally boring Captain America. (Not that there weren’t some compelling, edgy, politically-charged storylines in the comic book, but it’s safe to assume the movie will bask in the character’s traditional flag-waving W.A.S.P.-itude.)

Or, maybe, it’ll be a really interesting film if the makers play with the implications of the character – however, rather than speculate on Cap’n ‘merica, I’d like to wonder aloud why there’s no Captain Canuck movie.

Many of you are saying, “Captain who?,” which is obviously the main reason. Captain Canuck, as you can read all about here on Wikipedia and here on the character’s official site, is our version of Captain America, flag-themed body suit and all. He was created by Ron Leishman and Richard Comely, and appeared in comics in 1975. I remember having a bunch of the issues (there really weren’t that many) when I was I kid and thinking that they just didn’t have the BAM! POP! POW! of the Marvel and DC comics that I was used to. And, true enough, the comics really didn’t have the muscle – this was a much smaller, lower budget, DIY endeavour than the product coming out of the large, long-established companies south of the border. Nevertheless, I always liked the way CC looked, and that he was Canadian. I still have those beat-up floppies and they hold a special place in my heart.

Captain Canuck has come and gone in different variations over the years, with his origin changing, which didn’t exactly help the hero gel in the minds of his countrymen, either. The first version of the comic had CC an agent of the government, in the futuristic world of 1993, where Canada is the world’s biggest superpower. You read that correctly. Assuming you didn’t just choke on a Timbit, you’ll appreciate the unintentional hilarity.

I interviewed Comely several years ago for a newspaper feature I wrote about Canadian superheroes; he’s a very nice guy (a Mormon, in fact, which has informed the righteous nature of the character) who genuinely loves and stands behind his creation, but he’s also far from the cutting edge of comicdom. His version of the character is really a throwback to original Captain America or Superman. A couple years a go I picked up another, newer reincarnation of Captain Canuck and found its attempts to be “edgy” pretty unconvincing. Probably the biggest reason the heroic musclehead hasn’t actually become our version Captain America, is that we don’t do the sort of naïve nationalism that’s so essential to the character very well. However, we are very adept at making fun nationalism, and that’s key to a Captain Canuck movie…

A little Googling and I found a Toronto-based company called Sinking Ship Entertainment that’s working on a Captain Canuck movie. There’s almost nothing on the company’s site about the film yet (suggesting that it's a long way off), other than “…this feature film will turn Canada into an action-packed playground complete with an exploding CN Tower.” What does it say about us that the main selling point to a movie about our national superhero is that his story involves the destruction of one of our most prominent landmarks? And have you ever heard Canada described as “an action-packed playground?

I don’t know if that means the tone will be serious, but it’d be unfortunate if the company went in that direction. For starters, they’d have to lose the crotch-hugging, red and white unitard, and that’d just be a shame. I don’t think anyone would buy it if it wasn’t a comedy, and the concept of ripping on such a naïve, flag-bearing national hero seems like the natural thing to do. (Would Comely approve? Probably not.)

I say let Captain America defeat terrorists and military threats; I wanna see Captain Canuck foiling maple syrup heists and punching out radioactive moose-men. Because if you can’t be A-list, at least be unabashedly Eh-list.

-Dave Alexander

Malice in Burtonland

 

It’s never a good sign when going to a movie feels like a chore before the film’s even begun. That was kind of the feeling I had going to Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland tonight. There was time when I eagerly awaited anything the filmmaker had his name on. Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure is still one of my all-time fave films; I was nuts for the first two Batman movies that he helmed (seriously, I owned the gawd-awful Prince soundtrack to the first one on both tape and CD – the shame!); Ed Wood is one of the greatest films about a filmmaker ever made; Beetlejuice – classic insanity; A Nightmare Before Christmas (although he didn’t direct it, it’s still clearly his baby) becomes more endearing with age; and there’s loads of heart in Edward Scissorhands. I even have a soft spot for Mars Attacks! and all of its cinematic in-jokes – Burton’s first critical flop.

Aside from the lacklustre reviews, Mars Attacks! was a turning point for Burton as a visual artist. It’s his first movie to employ extensive computer animation. According to Wikipedia, he was persuaded by Warner Brothers to use it, rather than the planned stop-motion animation, in order to keep the budget down to $80 million. After the film under-performed, he made Sleepy Hollow, which felt like him playing it safe, with a classic story, more practical effects and a return to the fairy-tale atmosphere that made him famous (though in reality, it was probably already green-lit before Sleepy Hollow came out). I watched Sleepy Hollow again not too long ago, and while I enjoy the look of it and Christopher Walken’s hellish performance as the Horseman, the story is rather flat.

Of course, Burton’s worst effort to date came after that: the pointless Planet of the Apes remake. More CGI-laden titles followed, all of which are worth a watch for the abundant eye-candy but suffer in the Story and Character departments: Big Fish, Corpse Bride and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which I couldn’t even watch after seeing Johnny Depp’s irritating performance in the trailers. I do, however, think that Sweeney Todd is a fantastic film. (Note that it’s the most horror-centric thing he’s done in years, and had one of his smallest budgets in a long time.)

Watching Alice in Wonderland felt like yet another trip to the Imagination Factory. Welcome to Burton Inc., Johnny Depp is your kooky chaperone, see if you can recognize Helena Bonham-Carter’s latest disguise, watch for your favourite character actors, immerse yourself in the magical strains of Danny Elfman, and, rest assured, we’ll show you plenty of whimsy, which can also be purchased in the gift shop on your way out. Granted, that’s a very cynical way of describing a movie that contains so much artistry – from the castles, to the costumes, to the contact lenses – but Alice feels more like it rolled off the Disney assembly line that anything I’ve seen of Burton’s to date.Even that familiar twisted, leafless tree that seems to appear in all of his films, simply reminded me that Guillermo Del Toro did this dark fantasy world so much better in Pan’s Labyrinth.

Worse, though, was the sometimes choppy mix of live-action and computer animation. I saw the film in 3D, and there were parts that really called attention to themselves (the big, rounded tree in the opening sot, for example). And then there was Crispin Glover’s herky-jerky animated body that was far from seamless.

I’d love to see Burton (pictured, directing Alice star Mia Wasikowska) step out of his comfort zone and get back to his roots. Ditch Depp, Elfman and the CGI; write something original that speaks to his darker tendencies; and, above all else, bring back the misunderstood weirdos that we could identify with. Or hell, just make another Pee-Wee movie. You don’t need a $50 million dollar CGI budget to entertain me, just Paul Reubens in a bow-tie, thanks.

 

-Dave Alexander

Chuck Norris: 70 and Still Kickin'

Time stands still for no man… except Chuck Norris, because it’s too scared to move a muscle. That seems likely, as yesterday was the famous tough guy’s 70^th birthday and he looks twenty year younger. Of course, it’s easier to stop time with, not a roundhouse, but a facelift, hairpiece and a dyed beard. Chuck’s in that trying-to-turn-back-the-clock club with Dick Clark, Burt Reynolds and William Shatner, except he’s in wicked shape, and tough enough to punch a grizzly bear inside-out. And like Shatner, he’s become this kind-of ironic cult hero, a throwback of cheesy masculinity from a bygone era. The former air force pilot turned martial arts champion turned actor was elevated to pop culture punchline thanks to the online Chuck Norris Facts, which started about five years ago. For such an old school, he’s really benefitted from internet.

What I find interesting about the guy is that, unlike, say, Shatner, he’s also got many fans who take him very seriously. He’s got this weird fanbase of people who appreciate him as this ironically mythical figure, and those who genuinely believe he’s a national hero, and they’re on opposite ends of the political spectrum for the most part.

Y’see Norris is a dyed in the beard, er, wool Republican, who even stumped for Governor Mike Huckabee in the 2008 election. According to Wikipedia, he’s against public school condoning homosexuality, supports gun rights and he supported the California Proposition-8 ban on same sex marriage. And, apparently, he believes in intelligent design, so he might not be nearly as swift as his roundhouse (after all, Chuck Norris thinks with his fists!) – although I would like to see him go toe-to-noodle with The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Inevitably, the people who think Chuck Norris is cool like a role model and those who think he’s cool like a unicorn cross paths and hilarity ensues. CNN made note of his 70^th and put out a call to “hear your best facts about the action hero in the comments below.”

Just a quick sampling reveals people re-posting a bunch of the best “facts,” such as “In Chuck Norris' beard, there is no chin… only another fist,” “Chuck Norris destroyed the Periodic Table of Elements because he only recognizes the element of surprise” and “When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris” – classics!

But among the jokes, like every other single comment thread on CNN, are the political squabbles. Froggy22 says, “Happy Birthday, Chuck! You are a good and true man, a real American, and I applaud you. When Walker Texas Ranger was on tv, we always watched, it was a pleasure to see an upright and honest man fighting crime! Villains and bad guys got their just desserts, which is too rare in America today. I am sick of "girlymen" and whimps, you are a joy! Keep up the good work.”

ATLEaglesFan replied, “To Froggy22 & the other Palin followers what constitutes a "REAL AMERICAN"??? Being of Caucasian descent by chance. I put Chuck in the same category as you so borrowing from the Dukes of Hazzard theme "Just a good ol' boy never meaning no Harm”

Sam69 stated, “We really need more Stars like you in Hollywood Chuck. Not the drug addicted thrice divorce garbage we have now, that fly around the world, kissing the feet of horrible murderous dictators.” (I have no freakin’ clue what this person talking about either.)

MCO2 notes, “Never liked him, never will; especially in light of the right-wing christian-ey BS stuff.”

Uscgvet says, “Happy birthday to Mr. Norris. I was amused as I read through the comments. Liberals are funny...not too smart but funny. Not one person on here who could carry his brief case. Libs will seek any forum to publish their garbage and verbal attacks...especially on a person who has moral character.  Well, I gues the libs do have those they can look to for moral decency...such as...Slick Willie, Hellary, Frank, et al. Go get em Chuck.  Time for another series!”

Flabaghastid says, “Zero respect for a man who shows up on Christian scam shows, with all those con-artists.

And then there’s JJP3000: “Who is Chuck Norris and why do we care?” Ha!

These are just a selection of the shorter comments in the nearly 150-long thread (click on that CNN link abobe to read it) – some incensed Norris lovers (and haters) wrote mini-essays on his status as a “real man,” his fighting record, how Bruce Lee would kick his ass and so on. Chuck Norris is a divider... and not only with his side-chop.

Regardless of how you feel about the man, I strongly encourage you to indulge in the phenomenon that is Chuck Norris and watch one of his ass-kicking classics. Maybe this weekend I’ll buy a denim shirt, toss on The Octagon and see if I can knock out my own shadow with a roundhouse.

 

-Dave Alexander

Live Blogging the 2010 Academy Awards

8:05 Well, here go, time to watch people wearing outfits worth more than my car, congratulate each other. I'm watching on CTV, so I can witness Ben Mulroney look more like a Pixar bad guy by the second. In fact, I'm not even sure he's real. Whoever animated his hair could've done a better job.

8:07 Speaking of hair, it's Zac Efron on the red carpet. Should you model yourself after a Twilight character if you're not even in the movies?

8:12 In case you hadn't heard, this year the Academy made changes to the awards show to increase viewership and, you can bet, to sell more advertising. Hence the ten nominees for Best Picture. Other changes include axing the musical numbers and making the acceptance speeches 45 seconds-long, max. I can definitely do without the cloying musical numbers but it seems like trimming the speeches will strip the humanity out of the thing. Expect pissed off movie stars.

8:17 I agree that there's no need for ten nominees. I'd kill the following: Up, A Serious Man, The Blind Side, Avatar and An Education. Not bad films, by any means, but not as great as the other nominees.

8:22 Tina Fey! Tina Fey! Tina Fey!

8:24 Waitaminute, did that host just say that Miley Cyrus has now "mastered comedy?!?" AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

8:27 really hope Jeff Bridges wins (obviously, he's The Dude). He actually referenced The Big Lebowski in his acceptance speech at the Independent Spirit Awards, saying that the award will "really tie the room together." More here.

8:30 That's it for the pre-show. Let the what-not begin...

8:32 So, the Oscars are 82. They should really get little gold walkers for those statues.

8:35 Ha ha! Need more awesome for your Oscars? Just add Neil Patrick Harris. Greatest tux ever. Off to a good start.

8:36 It's Steve Martin, Razzie award nominee for The Pink Panther 2.

8:39 Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. Two normally hilarious guys + one clunky scripted opener = fail. Although points for the Streep Nazi memorabilia crack and the Precious video game comment.

8:40 Really guys, the obvious Woody-Harrelson-is-high joke? Laaaaaaaaaaaame...

8:41 Wow, we're barely ten minutes in and two Nazi jokes. That's gotta be a first.

8:45 Best Supporting Actor time. Christoph Waltz hands down owns this category. His performance in Inglorious Basterds floored me.

8:46 Ha! Called it. Well-deserved, sir.

8:49 OK, dude, enough with the seafaring voyage metaphors.

8:50 The Blind Side... Why is this hokey, cliched movie nominated for Best Picture? Oh, because it's a "true story, as American as football." Pffffft...

8:56 At last year's San Diego Comic-Con, I was sitting in a room waiting for Peter Jackson to show up for the District 9 press conference, when Cameron Diaz walked in with her entourage, apparently searching for her own press conference. She chatted up the journalists for a few minutes and was very nice.
Yeah, sorry that story isn't actually interesting.

8:58 Go Fantastic Mr. Fox for Best Animated Feature.

9:00 Well, I guess it's no surprise that the only animated feature also to be nominated for Best Picture would win this category. Fox was way cooler, though. Love that old-school stop-motion animation look to it.

9:03 Best Original Song category. There can be only one, and that one had better be Crazy Heart. A must-own soundtrack.

9:05 Sweet, win for Crazy Heart. Now I wish they had those musical performances.

9:08 District 9 can never win because it's a sci-fi film (but I'm sure that door will open further if Avatar wins), but it sure deserves that nomination. Original, intelligent, so well made and what an awesome way to deliver a message about apartheid.

9:14 Best Original Screenplay. I'd go with Hurt Locker, a very deep character study and a script like no other. Totally original.

9:16 Nice, win for Hurt Locker. Inglourious Basterds would've been a helluva choice too, though.

9:18 Jeez, didn't think I'd be seeing Molly Ringwald at the Oscars. Too bad it's because John Hughes died. She looks great too.

9:19 Anyone else think it's a crime that the dude who played Cameron in Ferris Bueller's Day Off never went on to have a bigger career?

9:22 John Cryer once sat behind me at a film festival once. Saw my short film, even laughed at the right spots.

Again, sorry that story isn't better.

9:23 When did Judd Nelson turn into 1990s-era Mickey Rourke? And wow, look, a Culkin! And it's the one that's almost as elusive as a leprechaun. If you can catch him, he has to give you his pot of residual cheques from the Home Alone movies. True story.

9:24 R.I.P John Hughes...

9:28 Yep, the short film categories. Enjoy your bathroom break.

9:33 Logorama won for animated short. I'd love to see the shorts, I wish they could stream them on the Oscars site.

9:35 Who's that obnoxious women who jumped onstage during the acceptance speech for the short doc Music by Prudence? A producer, I guess? Looks like that guy holding the award wanted to punch her. Heck, I kinda wanted to punch her.

9:36 Best Short, Live Action winner is The New Tenants. You back from the can yet?

9:38 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ben Stiller as a Smurf Cat! Brilliant. And he made the night's third Nazi joke. I don't think James Cameron is too amused.

About the Avatar makeup, that is.

9:41 Best Makeup. I'm pulling for Star Trek.

9:42 Trek it is.

9:44 The Dude is talking about A Serious Man. Ironic. Too bad the film was a serious bore most of the time.

9:48 Best Adapted Screenplay. Precious should probably win this one, but I'd love to see the under-the-radar In the Loop win. Geez, how did they find a clip from the film that wasn't full of profanity.

9:50 Yep, here come the wins for Precious. Not that the film doesn't deserve 'em, though.

9:52 Hail to the Queen... Latifah.

9:54 Amazing to see Roger Corman there. He' s one of my film idols. I can't believe that he and Lauren Bacall get a scant brief standing ovation for the televised part of the awards show. One of the best parts of the show is seeing the legends get their due. Bad call, Academy.

In other news, I met Roger Corman last fall, here in Toronto at the Fan Expo. He was very gracious and signed a huge Masque of the Red Death poster for me.

Once again, sorry that story wasn't very good at all.

9:58 Best Supporting Actress. As if Mo'Nique has any competition. She was downright chilling in Precious. A captivating screen monster.

10:00 Mo'Nique it is. And she thanked pioneering black actress Hattie McDaniels and took a jab at Academy politics. Great speech, too bad it had to be so damn short.

10:06 Does Sigourney Weaver not age? Did she kill Dick Clark and drink his blood? I suspect as much...

10:08 Avatar wins for Best Art Direction. Makes sense to me. Goddamn gorgeous film. But let's leave it at that for Smurfs Cats, OK?

10:09 Joke win for the "clothes whores" jab about Sarah Jessica Parker, Steve Martin. Heh heh.

10:11 Do not stare directly into the boobie roses on Charlize Theron's dress, they will hypnotize you. You're getting sleepy...and horny...

10:17 Oh, and for all you John Hughes fans, you'll want to read about the upcoming book on him.

10:19 Baldwin and Martin doing a Paranormal Activity skit. Shoulda been way funnier. Where was the "Those aren't pillows!" line? Boo.

10:20 Why are those two actoids from Twilight hosting a tribute to horror films? Twilight ain't a horror film.

10:22 Wow, what a liberal interpretation of what a horror films is. Beetlejuice? Silence of the Lambs? And, again, Twilight? So, what was the point of that? Horror films exist? Hollywood makes horror films but they almost never get recognized? Uhh...

10:26 Hurt Locker wins for best sound editing. That movie goes BOOM! a lot. Audio nerds, this is your moment!

10:28 Hurt Locker wins again for Sound Mixing. And, I , uh, have nothing to day about that...

10:29 John Travolta is talking about Inglorious Basterds. John Travolta made Battlefield Earth, which won the Razzie for worst film of the decade. John Travolta wishes he could work with Quentin Tarantino again. John Travolta has spray-on hair. I think John Travolta is turning into the comic character Ziggy.

10:37 Avatar wins Best Editing. OK, seriously, that's enough, Smurf Cats. The editor wants to thank "visionary director James Cameron for having a great vision." Naturally.

10:40 James Taylor is singing live to salute the people in the motion picture industry that died this past year. Seemed shorter than previous years. Is that part of the new, more efficient Oscars or did less Hollywood types die this year? I dunno, but I do know that James Taylor looks an awful lot like Robert Duvall now. And Robert Duvall actually sings on the Crazy Heart soundtrack. Could they be merging into some sort of Jambert Tayvall? I don't wanna think about it...

10:46 Best Original Soundtrack. This is a tough one. I'd go with either The Hurt Locker (intense) or Fantastic Mr. Fox (whimsical and kinda weird in a fun way). James Horner's score for Avatar is way overstated and cliche. Therefore, it'll probably win. Also, this interpretive dance montage is one of the dumbest things I've ever seen. I get it, someone at the Academy likes Glee.

10:51 Terrible, absolutely terrible. Wow.

10:52 Up wins. Very mainstream choice. Just glad Horner didn't win. Inspiring speech by winner Michael Giacchino about kids picking up a camera and making movies. Nicely done.

10:55 What? Avatar winning for Best Visual Effects?!? Shocking, absolutely shocking. Total upset! I've haven't been this surprised since my mom called me on my birthday.

10:58 Jason Bateman introduces Up in the Air. Love this film. Clooney's always solid these days and Jason Reitman is one of the best young American directors (Canadian born, as a reader reminder me!). It doesn't stand a chance against The Hurt Locker or Precious, but still...

11:00 Best Documentary. I think it's a joke that Anvil!: The Story of Anvil didn't get nominated. It won the Independent Spirit award and it deserves to be up there. That said, I'd go for Food Inc. here, which is a really important film about, how we get our food. The Cove is the heavy hitter here emotionally, though, and I'm guessing it'll win.

11:04 The Cove it is...

11:09 The preview for The Hurt Locker. It's really too bad no one saw this when it played theatres. With the big sound, explosions and tension, it really plays best on a big screen.

11:16 Best Foreign Language Film. The Argentinian film El secreto de sus ojos wins. Haven't seen it, and can't say the clips got me too interested. The director got played off, though. That orchestra is freakin' merciless!

11:20 Kathy Bates just intro'd the bit for Avatar. Strange choice. Somehow I just can't see her appreciating the film.

11:25 Best actor in a leading role. If Jeff Bridges doesn't win for Crazy Heart, I will hurl this computer into the sun. Nobody can touch him in this category. In fact, his goatee should win its own award for being awesome.

11:28 I like that both Morgan Freeman and George Clooney are both, like, "Another Academy Award show? Nah, I'll get a haircut next week, it's all good." Then there's Jeff Bridges: "I'm gonna grow my mop and chin broom specifically for the Oscars, hockey-playoff style."

11:32 The goddamn Dude abides! (Good thing, I don't have another computer.)

11:42 Best Actress. Meryl Streep was fun in Julia & Julia, capturing Julia Childs' zany personality, but she's won too often. Gabourey Sidibe is the clear fave here; she's got the big tear-jerker role. But above that, she makes you identify with her character so quickly and deeply in Precious that she deserves it. And yes, Helen Mirren is one hot older lady. Proof.

11:50  Sandra Bullock!!! You bleach your hair, affect an obviously put-on accent and then star in a cloying, glorified After School Special and win an Academy Award?!? Bollocks to Bullock, I say. Don't forget she one a Razzie for her performance All About Steve. That said, she did give a gracious, genuine acceptance speech.

11:54 Best Director. It should be Tarantino or Lee Daniels, as those guys really do some creative things with their camera and score some amazing performances. I'd take The Hurt Locker too, though.

11:56 Katherine Bigelow for Hurt Locker. Feels well-deserved. It also means that the film won't get Best Picture. Best Director is always the unofficial booby prize.

11:58 Finally, Best Picture...

11:59 Wow! I stand corrected. The Hurt Locker won best picture too. Very cool, gotta love the underdog story. I was sure Precious would take it, and that would be my pick, as much as I like Hurt Locker.

12:02 FYI, according to Box Office Mojo, The Hurt Locker took in a paltry $21 million worldwide in the theatre, so this must feel very vindicating. 

12:04 Well, that's four hours of Oscar blogging. My eyes hurt from all the glitz and glitter. Time to call it a night.

Thanks for reading.

And The Razzie Goes To...

If there’s one thing Hollywood does better than creating hype, it’s making bad movies, so thank the God of Keepin’ It Real for the Razzies. The anti-Academy Awards traditionally take place the night before the Oscars, in order to continue the tradition of “honoring Hollywood’s worst,” and tonight was no exception.

The full list of wieners is below, but first a bit about the awards, which have been around for three decades now. According to the official Razzies site, they’re “a light-hearted parody of award shows in general (and The Oscars in particular)” and their “well-aimed Darts of Derision have always been directed at Hollywood's High Profile Humiliations (rather than at the easier target of low-budget/drive-in fare).”

The man behind it all is John J.B. Wilson, who first started inviting friends over to his house for a potluck and pre-Oscar, movie mock session. He decided to formalize the event with a proper ceremony, invites and press releases, and within a few years it was getting major media coverage. Traditionally, the ceremony takes place the night before the Oscars, which is tonight.

I’ve copy and pasted the entire list for your (dis)approval, with the award winners highlighted, and then I’ve added some comments of my own).

 

WORST PICTURE of 2009
All About Steve
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Land of the Lost
Old Dogs
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

 

-I’m happy to say that I didn’t have to sit through any of these films, and I was right about Transformers winning. Old Dogs, by all evidence (meaning John Travolta, Robin Williams and the 80 pounds of pancake makeup on their faces) could technically be worse, but the Razzies always seems happier to put the larger budget, more obnoxious titles in their places.

WORST ACTOR of 2009
All Three Jonas Brothers (Jonas Brothers: The 3-D Concert Experience)
Will Ferrell (Land of the Lost)
Steve Martin (Pink Panther 2)
Eddie Murphy (Imagine That)
John Travolta (Old Dogs)

-I suspect that one day they’ll name a category after Razzie favourite John Travolta, which is why I’m surprised the Jonas Brothers won. I guess it’s kinda funny nominating them for playing themselves, although making fun of the Jonas Brothers is like shooting fish in a barrel… with a bazooka. And too bad about Steve Martin, I just don’t understand why he’d even attempt to fill the shoes of Peter Sellers.

WORST ACTRESS of 2009
Beyonce (Obsessed)
Sandra Bullock (All About Steve)
Miley Cyrus (Hannah Montana: The Movie)
Megan Fox (Jennifer's Body and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen)
Sarah Jessica Parker (Did You Hear About the Morgans?)

 

-Sandra Bullock said that she’d actually accept her Worst Actress award for All About Steve in-person if she won, and she did but I can’t find anything stating that she actually made good on that promise. (Probably the most famous winner/loser is Oscar winner Halle Berry, who showed up to take her award for Catwoman.) Although a bunch of Oscar winners have been Razzie winners before (Angelina Jolie, Liza Minnelli and Kim Basinger), this is the first time an actor was nominated for both in the same year. (For a list of Razzies winners who accepted their awards, go here.)

WORST SCREEN COUPLE of 2009
Any Two (or More) Jonas Brothers (Jonas Brothers: The 3-D Concert Experience)
Sandra Bullock & Bradley Cooper (All About Steve)
Will Ferrell & Any Co-Star, Creature or "Comic Riff" (Land of the Lost)
Shia LeBouf & EITHER Megan Fox OR Any Transformer (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen)
Kristin Stewart & EITHER Robert Pattinson OR Taylor Whatz-His-Fang (Twilight Saga: New Moon)

 

-Two awards for Bullock’s performance in All About Steve; I almost wanna see this one out of curiosity. Er, almost…

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS of 2009
Candice Bergen (Bride Wars)
Ali Larter (Obsessed)
Sienna Miller (G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra)
Kelly Preston (Old Dogs)
Julie White (as Mom) (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, or "Trannies, Too")

 

-Well, at least she looked good as Baroness. Kinda.

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR of 2009
Billy Ray Cyrus (Hannah Montana: The Movie)
Hugh Heffner (as Himself) (Miss March)
Robert Pattinson (Twilight Saga: New Moon)
Jorma Taccone (as Cha-Ka) (Land of the Lost)
Marlon Wayans (G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra)

-I hear he won by a mullet. Ha ha, you’ll never live that down, goofball. That said, I wish that wet bag of pout Robert Pattison would’ve won.

WORST REMAKE, RIP-OFF or SEQUEL
(Combined Category for 2009)
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Land of the Lost
Pink Panther 2 (A Rip-Off of a Sequel to a Remake)
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Twilight Saga: New Moon

-This is the biggest surprise. I guess I hadn’t realized the film was so panned (25% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes). You’d think having Will Ferrell and Danny McBride in your film would amount to something a lot better than that. And I just don’t see how it could possibly out-suck something from Michael Bay.

WORST DIRECTOR of 2009
Michael Bay (Transformers: Rise of the Fallen, a.k.a. "Trannies, Too")
Walt Becker (Old Dogs)
Brad Silberling (Land of the Lost)
Stephen Sommers (G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra)
Phil Traill (All About Steve)

-See, Bay, the most consistently hackish filmmaker in Hollywood picked up his rightful trophy for Worst Director. And, man, you gotta be terrible to win over Stephen Sommers – the guy who made Deep Rising, Van Helsing and two of the Mummy movies.

WORST SCREENPLAY of 2009
All About Steve, Screenplay by Kim Barker
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, Screenplay by Stuart Beattie and David Elliot & Paul Lovett, Based on Hasbro's G.I. JOE Characters.
Land of the Lost, Written by Chris Henchy & Dennis McNicholas, Based on Sid & Marty Krofft's TV Series
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Written by Ehren Kruger & Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman, Based on Hasbro's Transformers Action Figures
Twilight Saga: New Moon, Screenplay by Melissa Rosenberg, Based on the Novel by Stephenie Meyer

-Yep, terribleness all around. Take a bow, you hacks, and by take a bow I mean hang your heads in shame.

WORST PICTURE of the DECADE
(3 Special 30th RAZZIE-versary Awardz)
Battlefield Earth - Nominated for 10 RAZZIES / "Winner" of 8 (Including Worst Drama of Our First 25 Yrs)
Freddy Got Fingered - Nominated for 9 RAZZIES / "Winner" of 5
Gigli - Nominated for 10 RAZZIES / "Winner" of 7 (Including Worst Comedy of Our First 25 Yrs)
I Know Who Killed Me - Nominated for 9 RAZZIES / "Winner" of 8
Swept Away - Nominated for 9 RAZZIES / "Winner" of 5

 

-AWESOME! In a recent radio interview I picked Battlefield Earth as the worth film of the past decade. Glad to know I’m not the only one who laughs at the altar of this movie’s multi-faceted idiocy. Seriously, name an award after Travolta.

WORST ACTOR of the DECADE
Ben Affleck (Nominated for 9 "Achievements," "Winner" of 2 RAZZIES)
Eddie Murphy (Nominated for 12 "Achievements," "Winner" of 3 RAZZIES)
Mike Myers (Nominated for 4 "Achievements," "Winner" of 2 RAZZIES)
Rob Schneider (Nominated for 6 "Achievements," "Winner" of 1 RAZZIE)
John Travolta (Nominated for 6 "Achievements," "Winner" of 3 RAZZIES)

 

-Wow, somehow Murphy managed to out-lame Travolta. Well done, sir. You’ve come a long way (down) since you were the funniest guy out there in the ‘80s and early ‘90s.

WORST ACTRESS of the DECADE
Mariah Carey (The Single Biggest Individual Vote Getter of the Decade: 70+% of ALL Votes for Worst Actress of 2001)
Paris Hilton (Nominated for 5 "Achievements," "Winner" of 4 RAZZIES)
Lindsay Lohan (Nominated for 5 "Achievements," "Winner" of 3 RAZZIES)
Jennifer Lopez (Nominated for 9 "Achievements," "Winner" of 2 RAZZIES)
Madonna (Nominated for 6 "Achievements,""Winner" of 4 RAZZIES)

 

-Mmm, this one doesn’t seem right, seeing as Hilton is barely a human being, much less an actress. And every single nominee on this list has had at least one pop radio hit, proving that suckiness is close to more suckiness.

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On that note, check back here tonight for Oscar live blogging, so I can make fun of the people and films that are, apparently, um, “good.”

 

-Dave Alexander

Of Course It’s Time to Write About Hockey

If ever there was a reason to get all syrupy-eyed about being Canadian, this past weekend of the Olympics was it. The home turf, the hockey, the record number of gold medals, the surge in national pride, the hockey, the not too sucky closing ceremonies – did I mention the hockey? Damn, not even having to watch Nickelback stink up the Sunday night festivities could take the nuclear glow off that overtime hockey win.

So, in honour of our hard-earned stick supremacy, and the stress ulcer I probably developed while watching the last half of the men’s gold medal game, let’s take a look at the famous short film that best explains why our hearts are held together with skate laces and hockey tape: The Sweater.

Sheldon Cohen’s ten-minute-long animation, which celebrates its 30^th anniversary this year, was produced by the National Film Board of Canada. The tale, which was first heard on the radio in 1979 (and in 1985 was adapted into a children’s book), is based on a childhood recollection by Roch Carrier. In the crudely but endearingly animated short, a boy living village of Ste. Justine, Quebec, in 1946, joins all the other boys his age in worshipping Montreal Canadians superstar Maurice “Rocket” Richard. They listen to the games on the radio, they know all of his stats, they cut his picture out of the newspaper, and they all wear his #9 jersey. Our narrator explains that hockey, particularly The Rocket’s Canadians, formed that backbone of his childhood. The Sweater follows the boy’s reaction to the ultimate catastrophe when his mother orders him a new sweater from Eaton’s but the company accidentally sends the jersey of – gasp! – The Canadians’ biggest rival. Disbelief, angst and hilarity ensue. It’s such a vivid depiction of certain place, time and feeling, all tied into the sport, that you couldn’t ask for a better explanation of exactly what the hell it is about Canucks and pucks.

Along with The Log Driver’s Waltz and The Big Snit, The Sweater is one of those classic animated short films you’ve seen played time and time again on the CBC. This one, however, even gets referenced on the back of our five dollar bills, with a kid skating on a pond while wearing a #9 jersey.

It might be a #87 Sidney Crosby jersey instead of a #9 Rocket Richard sweater, and it’s probably being ordered online instead via mail, but The Sweater still speaks to the feelings of every Canadian kid out there dreaming of glory on ice. Cheers to both men’s and women’s Olympic hockey teams for a job well done.

 

(FYI: you can also watch The Sweater and the above mentioned films on the NFB website, here, which hosts loads of homegrown shorts, and has a bunch of stills from the film, including the one above.)

 

-Dave Alexander