And The Razzie Goes To...

If there’s one thing Hollywood does better than creating hype, it’s making bad movies, so thank the God of Keepin’ It Real for the Razzies. The anti-Academy Awards traditionally take place the night before the Oscars, in order to continue the tradition of “honoring Hollywood’s worst,” and tonight was no exception.

The full list of wieners is below, but first a bit about the awards, which have been around for three decades now. According to the official Razzies site, they’re “a light-hearted parody of award shows in general (and The Oscars in particular)” and their “well-aimed Darts of Derision have always been directed at Hollywood's High Profile Humiliations (rather than at the easier target of low-budget/drive-in fare).”

The man behind it all is John J.B. Wilson, who first started inviting friends over to his house for a potluck and pre-Oscar, movie mock session. He decided to formalize the event with a proper ceremony, invites and press releases, and within a few years it was getting major media coverage. Traditionally, the ceremony takes place the night before the Oscars, which is tonight.

I’ve copy and pasted the entire list for your (dis)approval, with the award winners highlighted, and then I’ve added some comments of my own).

 

WORST PICTURE of 2009
All About Steve
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Land of the Lost
Old Dogs
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

 

-I’m happy to say that I didn’t have to sit through any of these films, and I was right about Transformers winning. Old Dogs, by all evidence (meaning John Travolta, Robin Williams and the 80 pounds of pancake makeup on their faces) could technically be worse, but the Razzies always seems happier to put the larger budget, more obnoxious titles in their places.

WORST ACTOR of 2009
All Three Jonas Brothers (Jonas Brothers: The 3-D Concert Experience)
Will Ferrell (Land of the Lost)
Steve Martin (Pink Panther 2)
Eddie Murphy (Imagine That)
John Travolta (Old Dogs)

-I suspect that one day they’ll name a category after Razzie favourite John Travolta, which is why I’m surprised the Jonas Brothers won. I guess it’s kinda funny nominating them for playing themselves, although making fun of the Jonas Brothers is like shooting fish in a barrel… with a bazooka. And too bad about Steve Martin, I just don’t understand why he’d even attempt to fill the shoes of Peter Sellers.

WORST ACTRESS of 2009
Beyonce (Obsessed)
Sandra Bullock (All About Steve)
Miley Cyrus (Hannah Montana: The Movie)
Megan Fox (Jennifer's Body and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen)
Sarah Jessica Parker (Did You Hear About the Morgans?)

 

-Sandra Bullock said that she’d actually accept her Worst Actress award for All About Steve in-person if she won, and she did but I can’t find anything stating that she actually made good on that promise. (Probably the most famous winner/loser is Oscar winner Halle Berry, who showed up to take her award for Catwoman.) Although a bunch of Oscar winners have been Razzie winners before (Angelina Jolie, Liza Minnelli and Kim Basinger), this is the first time an actor was nominated for both in the same year. (For a list of Razzies winners who accepted their awards, go here.)

WORST SCREEN COUPLE of 2009
Any Two (or More) Jonas Brothers (Jonas Brothers: The 3-D Concert Experience)
Sandra Bullock & Bradley Cooper (All About Steve)
Will Ferrell & Any Co-Star, Creature or "Comic Riff" (Land of the Lost)
Shia LeBouf & EITHER Megan Fox OR Any Transformer (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen)
Kristin Stewart & EITHER Robert Pattinson OR Taylor Whatz-His-Fang (Twilight Saga: New Moon)

 

-Two awards for Bullock’s performance in All About Steve; I almost wanna see this one out of curiosity. Er, almost…

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS of 2009
Candice Bergen (Bride Wars)
Ali Larter (Obsessed)
Sienna Miller (G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra)
Kelly Preston (Old Dogs)
Julie White (as Mom) (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, or "Trannies, Too")

 

-Well, at least she looked good as Baroness. Kinda.

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR of 2009
Billy Ray Cyrus (Hannah Montana: The Movie)
Hugh Heffner (as Himself) (Miss March)
Robert Pattinson (Twilight Saga: New Moon)
Jorma Taccone (as Cha-Ka) (Land of the Lost)
Marlon Wayans (G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra)

-I hear he won by a mullet. Ha ha, you’ll never live that down, goofball. That said, I wish that wet bag of pout Robert Pattison would’ve won.

WORST REMAKE, RIP-OFF or SEQUEL
(Combined Category for 2009)
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Land of the Lost
Pink Panther 2 (A Rip-Off of a Sequel to a Remake)
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Twilight Saga: New Moon

-This is the biggest surprise. I guess I hadn’t realized the film was so panned (25% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes). You’d think having Will Ferrell and Danny McBride in your film would amount to something a lot better than that. And I just don’t see how it could possibly out-suck something from Michael Bay.

WORST DIRECTOR of 2009
Michael Bay (Transformers: Rise of the Fallen, a.k.a. "Trannies, Too")
Walt Becker (Old Dogs)
Brad Silberling (Land of the Lost)
Stephen Sommers (G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra)
Phil Traill (All About Steve)

-See, Bay, the most consistently hackish filmmaker in Hollywood picked up his rightful trophy for Worst Director. And, man, you gotta be terrible to win over Stephen Sommers – the guy who made Deep Rising, Van Helsing and two of the Mummy movies.

WORST SCREENPLAY of 2009
All About Steve, Screenplay by Kim Barker
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, Screenplay by Stuart Beattie and David Elliot & Paul Lovett, Based on Hasbro's G.I. JOE Characters.
Land of the Lost, Written by Chris Henchy & Dennis McNicholas, Based on Sid & Marty Krofft's TV Series
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Written by Ehren Kruger & Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman, Based on Hasbro's Transformers Action Figures
Twilight Saga: New Moon, Screenplay by Melissa Rosenberg, Based on the Novel by Stephenie Meyer

-Yep, terribleness all around. Take a bow, you hacks, and by take a bow I mean hang your heads in shame.

WORST PICTURE of the DECADE
(3 Special 30th RAZZIE-versary Awardz)
Battlefield Earth - Nominated for 10 RAZZIES / "Winner" of 8 (Including Worst Drama of Our First 25 Yrs)
Freddy Got Fingered - Nominated for 9 RAZZIES / "Winner" of 5
Gigli - Nominated for 10 RAZZIES / "Winner" of 7 (Including Worst Comedy of Our First 25 Yrs)
I Know Who Killed Me - Nominated for 9 RAZZIES / "Winner" of 8
Swept Away - Nominated for 9 RAZZIES / "Winner" of 5

 

-AWESOME! In a recent radio interview I picked Battlefield Earth as the worth film of the past decade. Glad to know I’m not the only one who laughs at the altar of this movie’s multi-faceted idiocy. Seriously, name an award after Travolta.

WORST ACTOR of the DECADE
Ben Affleck (Nominated for 9 "Achievements," "Winner" of 2 RAZZIES)
Eddie Murphy (Nominated for 12 "Achievements," "Winner" of 3 RAZZIES)
Mike Myers (Nominated for 4 "Achievements," "Winner" of 2 RAZZIES)
Rob Schneider (Nominated for 6 "Achievements," "Winner" of 1 RAZZIE)
John Travolta (Nominated for 6 "Achievements," "Winner" of 3 RAZZIES)

 

-Wow, somehow Murphy managed to out-lame Travolta. Well done, sir. You’ve come a long way (down) since you were the funniest guy out there in the ‘80s and early ‘90s.

WORST ACTRESS of the DECADE
Mariah Carey (The Single Biggest Individual Vote Getter of the Decade: 70+% of ALL Votes for Worst Actress of 2001)
Paris Hilton (Nominated for 5 "Achievements," "Winner" of 4 RAZZIES)
Lindsay Lohan (Nominated for 5 "Achievements," "Winner" of 3 RAZZIES)
Jennifer Lopez (Nominated for 9 "Achievements," "Winner" of 2 RAZZIES)
Madonna (Nominated for 6 "Achievements,""Winner" of 4 RAZZIES)

 

-Mmm, this one doesn’t seem right, seeing as Hilton is barely a human being, much less an actress. And every single nominee on this list has had at least one pop radio hit, proving that suckiness is close to more suckiness.

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On that note, check back here tonight for Oscar live blogging, so I can make fun of the people and films that are, apparently, um, “good.”

 

-Dave Alexander