Aaaaaannnd Rounding Out 2009…

To put a cap on 2009, here are some picks Best/Worst picks for last year in movies, to go with my previous top fifteen of last year list. Voila!

 

The Five Worst Films of 2009

 

Friday the 13th

This is a Michael Bay production, which is really all the warning you need to stay away. A typical example of how studios obnoxiously approach horror remakes, I cringed at the unnecessarily fast editing, slick “dirty” production design, a pro-wrestler-sized killer, dialogue that suggests anyone under the age of 23 is horny, self-obsessed moron, and a cast members that look like they’re auditioning for a porno version of The Hills. Not even the kills were inspired. It’s a paint-by-numbers film – using mostly the boring colours, and not enough red.

 

Halloween II

It’s astounding that, A) Rob Zombie has been allowed to continue making such awful movies. B) He seems to be getting worse as a filmmaker. (Seriously, how does he do that?) Across the board, this horny, juvenile, ham-fisted nonsense will make you scratch your head. The laugh out loud white horse dream sequences, the teen girl dialogue (“Hey world, guess what? I'm Michael Myers' sister! I'm f**ked!”), a hobo Michael Myers eating a dog… raw – this is easily the worst film of the year. That said, while a bunch of people left the theatre during the screening, I was dying just to see what our generation’s Ed Wood would cook up next.

 

Ninja Assassin

Dammit, I was hoping this one would spark a ninja movie revival, but alas, all it did was waste a lot of CGI trying recast ninjas as some kind of a cross between unstoppable slasher movie killers, ghosts, superheroes and Rocky. I get, it’s a ninja movie, it’s supposed to be pretty dumb, but there was no reason to turn it into a cartoon with a video game plot. Director James McTeigue really Bruckheimered the hell out this one by cranking everything up to eleven so you’re forced to tune it out. Like a blow-dart of suck to the neck.

 

Terminator Salvation

I didn’t have to wait until the CGI Schwarzenegger to get the point that this just wasn’t the Terminator prequel it could’ve been. Over-plotted and overwrought, it felt like a Frankenstein of poorly stitched together ideas. (According to this Wikipedia entry, it was.)  All they had to do was make a kick-ass action-sci-fi film showing how it all went down, but instead a bunch of shallow subtext and lame drama about the humanity of a machine ruined everything. The ending, where John Connor receives the heart of a cyborg to save his life, is so asinine that I started cheering for Skynet.

 

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

I’m fairly certain this embarrassing X-Men spin-off was actually written by one of Hugh Jackman’s sideburns – there’s that much effort on display. Given the decades of story material available out there in comic book bins, there’s no excuse to turn the Wolverine story into a series of special effects set pieces and action movie clichés populated by characters that you don’t know well enough to really care about. And the effects seemed only half-complete sometimes – seriously, what was with the creepy computer-animated Professor X at the end? Or worse, what about the real-life Ryan Reynolds as annoying jack-ass Wade Reynolds/Deadpool? X-fail.

 

Five Films from 2009 That I Hope to Never Ever See

 

Angels and Demons

The sequel to the conspiracy movie that boring people think is mindblowing – no thanks.

 

G.I. Joe: the Rise of Cobra

Stephen Sommers, you’ve never made a good film, so I’m not going to let you ruin my childhood with this one.

 

Old Dogs

May anyone involved creatively with this project be reincarnated as a herpes sore.

 

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Same answer as G.I. Joe, but with Michael Bay.

 

The Twilight Saga: New Moon

This could ruin both vampire and werewolf movies for me; can’t take that chance. Also, I’m not a fourteen-year-old girl.

 

Three Under-the-Radar Films Worth Checking Out

 

Dead Snow

Nazi zombies in a snowy Evil Dead-style gorefest – sold!

 

Les doigts croches

Great little Quebecois period comedy about failed gangsters finally getting their big payoff, if they can become changed men through an epic pilgrimage.

 

Adventureland

This was blip on the theatrical release radar but nevertheless a solid retro coming of age film, set before cell phones and online social networking. Jesse Eisenberg headlines a great cast, the late-‘80s soundtrack sets the tone and there are plenty of character-driven laughs, courtesy writer/director Greg Mottola (Superbad).

 

Most Overrated

 

Avatar

Yes, it made my fifteen best films of the year list, purely for its technical achievements, but it also just won the top prize at the Golden Globe Awards? Smurf Cats best film of the year? Ah ha ha ha ha! Hardly. Look past the eye candy, people – it’s a remake of Pocahontas and Dances With Wolves crammed with clichés and riddled with awful dialogue.

 

Guiltiest Pleasure

 

2012

Big, dumb and cliché in every expected Hollywood way that it can be, but damn if it isn’t fun to see all that stuff get wrecked.

 

 

Better Than it Should’ve Been

 

Funny People

Not that this necessarily should be bad (Adam Sandler proved he can do dramatic in Punch Drunk Love), but considering it’s basically two different films, in which the protagonist changes part way through the story, it works surprisingly well.

 

Not as Good as it Should Have Been

 

Where the Wild Things Are

One of the greatest kids books, adapted by of the most exciting directors out there (Spike Jones), should’ve transported us to a fantastic world, but the realm of the Wild Things was kinda drab and Max’s journey seemed to drag. Not bad by any means, but not the re-watchable classic I wanted it to be.

 

Film That I Most Felt Like a Chore While Watching

 

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

It didn’t help that I watched it on a tiny airplane screen, but by this point the magic has kinda worn off, so to speak. Plus there’s so much backstory to remember that I felt like an old man with dementia trying to recall all the grandkids’ names. “Harold? Harrison? Harry? Is it Harry, son?”

 

Worst Title

 

Alvin and the Chipmunks 2: The Squeakquel

There is a Pun Hell and the jackhole who thought up the awful title for this awful movie will surely go there to be burned and tortured for an eternity by, like, Luci-fur.

 

Best Title

 

Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs

Damn – I’m laughing, I’m curious, I’m kinda hungry…

 

Best Performance

 

Inglourious Basterds

It’s a tie between Christoph Waltz, as the Nazi heavy Col. Hans Landa, and Denis Menochet, as French farmer Perrier LaPadite for the tenser-than-tense scene in the farmhouse at the beginning of the film. These guys own the screen.

 

Most Insane Performance

 

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans

Nicholas Cage goes completely over the top as the cranked up, cracked out, smoked silly, pill pooped Terence McDonagh. Bug-eyed with a back problem and enough drugs in him to kill all of Detroit, the character is a classic. Cage put his usually stilted cartoonishness to good work here and the results and hilarious.

 

Most Enjoyable Ass-Kickings

 

Taken

Can’t help but love me a simple, bloody revenge film, and this one delivers a bounty of brutality throughout. Liam Neeson makes a fantastic ruthless tough guy.

-Dave Alexander

Comments

Awesome lists, finally someone that speaks for the people! Avatar was a really awesome theme park ride, credits roll and it's off to the log flume to cool off. Adventureland was the best, poorly marketed film of last year. The 12 year olds wanting to see Superbad 2 were angry, and the audience that would embrace this couldn't talk their girlfriends, who would have loved this, into seeing Superbad 2.

You may not like Stephen Sommer's films, but I highly suggest you see G.I.Joe I think you'll be suprised by how well it was done.

Adventureland made my worst of the past few years. I thought I rented a comedy and it turned out to be a Michael Cera clone. To add to the dullness, add the chick from New Moon playing the same broody,depressed character.
DO NOT RENT ADVENTURELAND.

If I break down and watch any of those films, it'll definitely be G.I. Joe. Damn you, Sommers!

Wow!

I almost ABSOLUTELY agree with you on this breakdown; it's uncanny!

YES! Avatar had to be the most OVERRATED film at this point in time.
YES! Dead Snow is so much fun and UNDERRATED. (I would like to check out 'Les Doigts Croches'--Roy Dupuis is the man!!)

YES! Halloween 2, X-Men: Wolverine are terrible...repeat...TERRIBLE.
I didn't mind Friday the 13th, considering how bad the previous 8 Jason films were.
Conversely, I didn't mind Terminator: Salvation. (BUT, you are right; that heart transplant scene is just too much!)

AND finally, the 2009 films you hoped to never see: I pretty much had the same intuition. EXCEPT that I got suckered into Angels and Demons, and have lamented ever since.

How about a 'Top 100' of the decade?? That would be interesting to see.

I loved Friday the 13th (Jason is my all time fave), didn't mind Halloween 2. I am a fan of Rob Zombie movies and find his movies consistantly excellent.

And I agree with Dave, a top 100 of the decade would be awesome!