Movies You Missed in 2009

'Tis the season for movie reviewers to scramble and see all the keys titles they missed through the year, in order to compile their best of lists. I am no different. And while poring over the films released this year, I realized that Hollywood was close but got it totally wrong. To set these things right, I present the ten films of 2009 that I wish I could’ve seen.

 

1. Brüno: Port of Call New Orleans

This envelope-pushing comedy sees the post-Katrina people of New Orleans subjected to the outlandish antics of Sacha Baron Cohen’s uncomfortably flamboyant Brüno character (pictured above in front of a levee), as he spreads homoerotic tension throughout the ravaged wards, handing out tight flood pants, touching alligators in an inappropriate manner and searching for “dirty” cops. Five words: Those aren’t Mardis Gras beads!

 

2. Terminator: Mall Cop

The good news: in the distant future humanity has won the war against the machines. The bad news for the T-9000: it’s been relegated to security detail at the John Connor Shopping Mall, where it gets no respect. But when a bunch of hoods take over the mall, the part Seqway/part killing machine must rediscover its efficiency for terminating humans. Deadly hilarity ensues, especially when the machine levels the food court with its chain-guns.

 

3. Madea Goes to District 9

Smack-talkin’ grandma Madea gets in a car chase and accidentally ends up in a ghetto populated by illegal aliens… from another planet! After threatening local officials with a gun, she hides out amongst the displaced visitors and protects them from the heavily-armed police – mostly by learning how to use advanced alien weaponry and kicking a lot of people in the groin. Sci-fi comedy is rarely this sassy.

 

4. Men Who Stare at Jennifer’s Body

A secret government agency somehow manages to get funding to stare at teenage girls in order to make sure they aren’t really demons. Despite the pleasures of ogling Megan Fox’s curves, the soldiers soon find out that her and her friends are simply way too irritating and the project is abandoned. It’s creepy premise… yet, somehow, most guys can relate for some reason.

 

5. Monsters vs Aliens, Angels and Demons

When extra-terrestrials, angels, demons, the illuminati and an assassin threaten humanity, a secret brotherhood enlists a wacky team of government-employed monsters to prevent a catastrophic biblical prophecy from coming true. Tom Hanks has never looked so human in this animated conspiracy film, especially when he yanks out his eyeball and bounces it around the Vatican.

 

6. Inglourious Basterds: Rise of Cobra

“I want my Cobra scalps!” When an elite, secret military force with a reputation for cruelty to their enemies is called in to fight an arms dealer with a doomsday device and his own private terrorist army, explosions and one-liners ensue. Although filled with hi-tech weaponry and elaborate stunts, the best scene is still when Sgt. Donowitz caves Zartan’s head in with a baseball bat.

 

7. Transformers: New Moon

When Shia LaBeouf’s character is caught in a love triangle between Optimus Edward and

Jacobtron (pictured with his piercing red eyes), sparks literally fly. LaBeouf’s most believable onscreen transformation yet has hearts racing, as he must choose between the Transformers and the Deceptagons, before one of the chaste robots pours sugar in the gas tank of his heart. There is much, much more here than meets the eye.

 

8. Zombieadventureland

Jesse Eisenberg was the obvious choice to star in this coming of age zombie comedy as a neurotic hypochondriac who gets a summer job at an amusement park only to find out that the girl he’s got a crush on has been secretly seeing the older guy that runs the shooting range. And to make things worse, the park is routinely overrun with the undead. Look for a hilarious cameo by Dan Aykroyd as a crazy carnie – yes, playing himself!

 

9. Where the Hangovers Are

Max hates his reality, so he escapes into the bottle, getting so completely drunk that he thinks he’s in Las Vegas living it up. After what he believed was a night spent parting with his big fuzzy friends, he wakes up dressed like a tiger, and wearing a wedding ring. Max then hilariously retraces his steps to see what happened during the alcohol- and drug-fueled wild rumpus.

 

10) Invictus With a Chance of Meatballs

Based on the true story of the soccer match that brought post-apartheid South Africa together, this one’s a rousing historical drama featuring Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela. Against all odds, he encourages his country’s soccer team to win the World Rugby Cup by promising them a free spaghetti dinner at Tony Roma’s if they bring home the championship.

 

-Dave Alexander

Comments

OMG too funny, Dave. HiLARious.