The ABCs of 2012

 

A is for Asphalt

If you took a drink every time we see asphalt cracking – roads, parking lots, runways – you need a liver transplant before the third act of the film.

 

B is for Better Off Dead

John Cusack stars in 2012 as failed writer/failed family man Jackson Curtis, but in my mind he’ll always be Lane Meyer in Better Off Dead – one of the great comedies of the ‘80s. In that film he’s trying to outrun wacky Asian drag racers who learned to speak English by watching Howard Cosell, a bully during a ski race and a BMX-riding paperboy who’s mercilessly trying to collect “two dollars!” In 2012, he’s trying to outrun fireballs, earthquakes and tidal waves. Congratulations, John, you’ve made it.

 

C is for Chiwetel Ejiofor

This fantastic British actor co-stars as righteous geologist Adrian Helmsley, who’s in charge of plotting the timeline for humanity’s secret survival plan in the face of the inevitable 2012 apocalypse. His character is expectedly broad and cliché, of course (this is a mega-budget Roland Emmerich film!), so for a better example of his skills, check out Dirty Pretty Things, Serenity, Inside Man and Children of Men.

  

D is for Do You Know How to Pronounce “Chiwetel Ejiofor?”

Because I sure don’t.

 

E is for Exhilarating End Times

Make no mistake, 2012 is a bad film, but that’s not the point. Like Emmerich’s Independence Day and the Day After Tomorrow, the reason to see this is because it’s big screen Destruction Porn. No one else has come close to depicting this magnitude and detail of so much wanton chaos. It’s mind blowing to watch entire cities explode, crumble and fall into crevasses.

 

F is for “Final Countdown”

If ever a movie needed Europe’s “Final Countdown” on the soundtrack, this is it. Talk about a missed opportunity. “Doot-doo-doo doot-doo-doo-doo-doo… .”

 

G is for Gasp

Audience members at the preview screening for 2012 were literally gasping at some of the visuals, such as an erupting volcano and falling office buildings, which always bring back memories of 9/11 footage. Later they were laughing at some of the awful dialogue.

 

H is for Harrelson

Woody Harrelson plays a hippie conspiracy theorist who broadcasts a show about the impending apocalypse from the radio station in his Winnebago. Make your own jokes…

 

I is for International Space Station

If the world powers knew ahead of time that the world was going to end, how does the crew of the International Space Station fit into all this? Would you bring them home to enjoy the last couple years of Earth as we know it, or would you leave them up there so they’d survive – but then they’ll never get back! At least they’d get an awesome view of the destruction. Did the government tell them to pack extra tooth brushes?

 

J is for Jerks

In a film with characters this broad you can tell within seconds of meeting them if they’re jerks or not. “That guy’s a rich plastic surgeon who wears glasses and owns a sports car – what a jerk!” “That portly Russian billionaire has a trophy girlfriend and a small dog – what a jerk!” “Look at that portly, glasses-wearing, rich scientist who wants to let our heroes die in order to save a hundred thousand other people – what a jerk!”

 

K is for Kismet

If you’re branded a jerk in this kind of film, you’ll be a) humiliated by someone you wronged and they’ll give you the finger to rub it in, b) be humbled by the heroes when your tough but logical decision is proven wrong by the power of the human spirit, C) be redeemed just enough that your inevitable death has a bit of weight to it.

 

L is for Last Night

For a hilarious and truly original End of the World film, check out Don McKellar’s Last Night, a low-budget Canadian movie from the ‘90s that doesn’t need computer animation to be profound. It’s kind of an anti-Roland Emmerich film, and a must-see.

 

M is for Morgan Freeman

When Morgan Freeman isn’t available to play your wise, self-sacrificing, everyman American President, who ya gonna call? That’s right, Danny Glover.

 

N is for Nuclear

Not weaponry, but family. One of the reasons this type of film has such mass appeal is that no matter how much destruction happens, you can count on the movie ending with a dad, mom, brother and sister smiling in the sunlight. (Emmerich even threw in a dog for good measure.) And yes, they’re all white people.

 

O is for Outrun

In case you were wondering, there is nothing a limousine can’t outrun, and here’s proof.

 

P is for Pickle

Woody Harrelson’s character loves pickles. So much that he’s always eating them and has entire fridge full of them. That’s called a character quirk and it’s supposed to make him more endearing. Actually, it’s just try-hard and annoying.

 

Q is for Questioning…

…the science of 2012. Don’t do it, just enjoy the ride.

 

R is for Righteous Platitudes

In an effort to excuse all the gleeful mindful destruction by forcing some meaning into the story, Roland Emmerich apocalypse movies contain noxious levels of characters spouting righteous platitudes about the good of humanity in the face of annihilation. There’s plenty of that in 2012 and it’s the worst part of the film.

 

S is for Status

One of the more interesting elements of 2012 is the very logical plot thread that sees the secret survival of humanity plan requiring massive amounts of private funding, leading to the world’s ultra-rich buying themselves tickets to salvation. The film grapples with this moral dilemma a bit, but in the end money talks and the status quo remains intact. The moral of the film? Who has the most wins.

 

T is for Tagline

“We Were Warned” is written across the movie poster, suggesting that this is going to have more of a connection to the Mayan calendar, which predicts that 2012 marks the end of the world. It’s only mentioned in the film, which is fine, because who cares about getting to the bottom of how the Mayans knew this info when there’s not gonna be anyone around to care about it.

 

U is for Unprecedented

The special effects in 2012 are unprecedented. I mentioned it earlier, but really, the level of digital destruction brought to the screen, and how real it all looks is chilling. And pretty thrilling.

 

V is for Vegas

Some of the most spectacular footage has Sin City being swallowed by the Earth. What happens in Vegas really does stay in Vegas after all…

 

W is for Wide-Eyed

As much as I like John Cusack, I think the main reason he was cast here is his ability to react to devastation with dumbfounded, wide-eyed shock – time after time after time after time. Watch his face in this reaction shot-only version of the limo footage and you’ll see what I mean. The end is particularly shocking.

 

X is for Xanadu

[WARNING MAJOR SPOILER]

At the end of 2012 the saved plot a course for their new Xanadu, Africa, which due to the shifting of the Earth’s poles and crust and whatnot was spared the great flood. Basically, arkloads of rich white people are headed to settle in Africa. Yup, that’ll end well…

 

Y is for Year 2012

If they Mayans are right, I’ve really got to get all those unopened Criterion Collection DVDs watched before it’s too late!

  

Z is for Ziggy

Not even perpetually bummed out cartoon character Ziggy has ever had a day this bad. But if he did, I imagine it would start with him opening up a notice in the mail that his property insurance has expired, all while a tsunami wave is roaring towards his house in the background. Poor guy...

-Dave Alexander

Comments

Disturbing fun fact: Apparently Cusack HATES Better off Dead and has not spoken to Savage Steve Holland since they wrapped the delightful follow up One Crazy Summer.

Damn! Let's hope they make a zombie remake called Better Off Undead! Bah-dum-bump!