Meeting Women The Hardbodies Way

I’m convinced that there’s more 1980s packed into the 88 minutes of Hardbodies than there was in that entire decade.  The first three minutes alone presents an exceptional, if embarrassing, smorgasbord of ‘80s movie cliches. As the synth-heavy pop-rock soundtrack kicks in, the camera ogles a bevy of bleach-blonde bikini babes rubbing themselves with suntan oil (sunblock? Pshaw!); a curvy neon pink font announces the cast; we’re treated to a montage girls frolicking, guys eyeing them up with cartoonish lust, sunglasses with big, bright frames and strings holding them on, a ghettoblaster and roller skating. All the while the theme song – as so many ‘80s movie tunes do – repeats the title while encouraging us to party: “The boys all cheer for hardbodies.” It’s enough to make you wanna choke Cory Feldman with a legwarmer.

Then, seconds after the three minute mark, we’re treated to the first of many pairs of bare breasts – mostly natural, as in ’84 the fakes in movies were still mostly relegated to porn. And, although it’s horribly misogynistic, there’s a certainly honesty to those ‘80s movies that cut right to the chase. According to the IMDb, Hardbodies was originally produced for Playboy television but then made it into theatres, so go figure that the plot has a young beach bum teaching three middle-aged men on vacation at a beach house, how to score with women (a classic '80 comedy plot if I ever heard one)

In fact, Hardbodies taught me all kinds of invaluable info about how to, y’know, get chicks.

At least in the 1980s.

In sex comedies…

First off, lie to them. Scotty Palmer, our beach bum protagonist, borrows one of the older guy’s convertibles to trick girls into thinking it’s his. Later, he pretends to trip and fall in from of a roller skater, and upon finding out she’s a model, he says he knows a bunch of modeling agents who are going to be at his party. And if that doesn’t work, Scotty also taught me that you can always just find a band comprised of girls and pose as an agent so they’ll hire you. So many options.

I also learned that it’s perfectly acceptable to grab the ass of a woman that you don’t know, in public, because she’ll either laugh it off or become interested in you. But if that doesn’t work give out ice cream cones with party invites on ‘em, write a message on a pizza and deliver it to a group of girls at a food court table, or hide inside a garbage can and hand out party invites to women who try to use the receptacle for what it was meant for. Really, what female can resist a man who smells like French fry boxes?

Finally – and this is a big one – if you throw a party, make sure there are as many situations as possible that you can use to get laid. You can splash wine on the ladies’ clothes and convince them to get naked (at the very least you’ll see boobs, as, according to this film, the bra was invented sometime after the mid-‘80s). You can also pretend to be a fashion photographer and start taking pictures until they automatically pose together with their tops off. Or you can even just sit naked with a crown on and orchestrate a contest where they line up to guess the size of your penis.

Of course, if the neon lights, bottles of Budweiser, balloon and various forms of assault don’t work, you can bring out the big guns and the show the ladies your fully automated water bed. Use the 1950s car dashboard controls to play sexy music, activate the laser lights and disco ball, engage the wave machine or start the fog machine. (I swear, swear, swear I didn’t make any of that up.)

OK, so now that you’ve learned all of the mysteries of women from Hardbodies, just remember a few other tips from the film to get you on your ‘80s way. If a bunch of bullies are after you, be sure to push one of ‘em into a row of parked motorbikes, causing a hilarious domino effect. If someone challenges you to a fight, tuck your sleeveless shirt into your tight jeans remind them that you know karate. And, it goes without saying, if you’re enjoying music, be sure to spin around once and clap your hands while dancing.

So there you have it – may all your parties have hotubs and may the girls be as topless as the jeeps.

[To see Hardbodies, get your greasy hands on Anchor Bay's re-release, here.]

-Dave Alexander