Me vs. Ecks vs. Sever - Part 1

Just how rotten is this tomato? That’s what I’ve been wondering since Rottentomatoes.com announced its list of the 100 worst movies of the past decade, and Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever scored the lowest rating in that category. That title alone ranks as one of the all time worst film names in history, but could the movie really be as awful as Battlefield Earth, one of absolute favourite so-bad-it’s-good films? Of course, there is only one way to find out…

So, let’s go on celluloid safari into the dangerous Action Flick Amazon as I write about my experience while watching Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever.

 

Off we go into the heart of dorkness.

 

1:30 The opening: generic action film music over an aerial shot of Sydney Australia. The movie is directed by “Kaos,” which is actually Thai filmmaker Wych Kaosayananda, who hasn’t made a film since this one in 2002. “Kaos” – shouldn’t that be a sticker emblazoned on the back of a Honda with a spoiler, ground effects and spinning rims? “Yo, homie, my street racing peeps call ‘Kaos’ when I’m burning mad asphalt in my Tercel.”

 

2:30 A woman has picked up her young son from the airport. There’s an altercation on the road. The woman’s obviously rich ex has his men take the boy away in a convoy.

 

4:00 Four minutes in and we have our first explosion. A car goes up. Another car is rammed by a garbage truck – ah, that old chestnut. The woman driving the dumptruck is wearing a cloak and now she’s kicking ass, as “The Name of the Game” by Crystal Method is playing. After dispatching the henchmen, the woman walks towards the boy – in silhouette – through the ample steam rising through the streets. It’s Lucy Liu, the caboose on this cliché train!

 

6:30 A haggard-looking Antonio Banderas sits in a bar. His character, “Ecks” (OK, safe to assume that Liu is “Sever”) is approached by two F.B.I. agents. Uh-oh, they’ve interrupted his drinking and will have to take him in “the hard way!” He kicks their asses and is approached by an older agent hiding in the shadows. So dramatic… This is the part of the movie where the bureau offers him his old job back if he takes this special assignment. Embittered, he refuses… at first…

 

8:30 Why is he so embittered? It seems his wife blew up. The guy tells him she’s actually still alive, though. Now he’s reliving the accident in his mind as he walks in slow motion through the rain. The cliché machine is really revving up.

 

10:30 Wow, that didn’t take long, he’s on the F.B.I. task force!

 

10:45 Meanwhile, at Sever’s secret hideout, the boy is sitting in a cell while she works in her lab. So science-y.

 

11:00 Oh, oh, the boy’s dad is telling the lead henchman to shoot himself – and he’s wearing a long black coat and fedora. Directive: no cliché shall be left unused.

 

13:30 Government types are looking at a surveillance photo of some dude. Seriously, they’ve packed like an entire feature’s worth of clichés in the first 15 minutes of this film. I’m kinda impressed!

 

14:30 A stolen robot assassin! OK, at least the movie is letting us know it’s supposed to be cartoonish, so points for taking it there.

 

17:00 An F.B.I. team is going after Sever. This scene was shot at the Vancouver library, which has served as a location for numerous in film and T.V. productions. And wow, they’re actually calling it the “Vancouver library” – points for not pretending it’s some ubiquitous U.S. location. Of course, that doesn’t explain why the F.B.I. would be allowed to conduct such a dangerous operation in a public, crowded place – in freakin’ Canada!

 

20:00 Sever is in the midst of a shoot-out with the feds and the cops. By the way, we’ve learned that she’s a super-duper-DUPER assassin – the perfect killing machine!

 

21:50 A S.W.A.T. guy was just shot off a ledge and the camera tracked him as he fell in slow motion onto a car roof. That is an awesome shot.

 

22:00 Exploding car number two.

 

22:50 For no reason at all, the tactical team brought an armoured vehicle with a 50-calibre machine mounted to it. It was explicitly stated that they needed Sever alive, so why bring that? Were they going to the Armoured Car-Mounted Large Caliber Machine Gun Range after this operation? The answer to that one is that so she could use it against the lawmen to make more cars explode.

 

23:19 Exploding car number three.

 

23:26 Exploding car number four.

 

24:26 The FBI guy that hired Ecks assess the aftermath of the carnage: “What’s the matter, somebody get too much foam in their latte.” Nothing like a little levity when the bodies of two dozen cops are strewn about.

 

26:08 Ecks has a feeling and warns the cops to clear out because Sever “is not done yet.” OK, I get it, she’s a Rambo-ninja.

 

26:16 Annnnnd, she just shot the FBI guy.

 

27:02 Ecks is chasing Sever and he looks pretty prancey while holding a shotgun. Sever runs into a building. Moments later a yellow Mustang crashes through a garage door, almost mushing Ecks. The license plate reads BAD 598. You can bet Kaos thought that was totally bad ass.

 

27:42 Sever throws a bomb under a truck; a moment later Sever blows out her tire. She crashes into a truck exactly at the same time the bomb goes off. Exploding car number five and exploding car number six.

 

29:00 Sever escapes, Ecks gives chase – he gets the drop on her. But if he shoots her, they’ll never find the kid! Oh yeah, and we’ve been told that she knows where Eck’s wife is for some reason. I’m on the edge of my seat! Well, actually, part of my butt is hanging off one of the couch cushions, but that’s as close as it’s gonna get.

 

30:19 And now one of the worst choreographed fight scenes in motion picture history. It looks like a dance lesson for germaphobes.

 

30:48 Ecks and Sever are face to face, almost touching. I hope they don’t fall in love… . Actually, they won’t, as the role of Sever was written for a man, originally.

 

31:13 A “sniper” on an adjacent roof top is firing a heavy caliber machine gun at them. Huh?!?

 

31:50 Sever escapes after falling into some trash. It’s like a metaphor for Lucy Liu’s experience making this movie.

 

33:36 I wonder if they used a paint roller or a shotgun full of Brylcreem to get Antonio’s hair to look like that?

 

34:12 Sever is back at her secret lab, working on two laptops. There’s steam rising in the background. Why? Fog machines are cheap to rent in Vancouver.

 

34:35 OK, so from what we’re seeing on her laptop, there’s a tiny robot inside someone’s stomach. It swims around and has a claw for one arm and a needle for the other. It injects poison. She visits the little boy in his cage and runs a Star Trek-like electronic device over his arm, right in the spot where the computer depicted a nanobot! The kid’s dad is using him to smuggle a deadly nanobot!! “Happy Father’s Day, dad – remember all those fun times we had when you used me as an experimental weapons mule.”

 

36:00 Ecks is using a laptop to hack into a restricted file. He’s reading Sever’s file. At the same time, Sever is at her lab, reading his file. We see her with a baby, info on his wife. It’s like Lavalife for secret agent types. Suddenly a S.W.A.T. team breaks down the door and arrests Ecks for the shooting of an agent (again, huh?). Irony, drama, action, a twist – I need lay down for a bit.

 

38:36 I was wrong all these years: it’s not pronounced “See-ver” but rather “Se-ver,” as in that’s probably what I’ll feel like doing to my femoral artery after watching this crap.

 

39:00 Sever is making a paper crane. This demonstrates her soft side. That’s called character development, kids! Also, Liu is as wooden as wooden gets in this performance. The producers could’ve just put a wig on a totem pole and saved some money.

 

40:10 Ecks is being questioned in a cell by a guy who works for the jerk-face dad with the missing son. If you turn off the sound, you can pretend Antonio is being interrogated by s film critic about why he’s in this movie.

 

42:20 Also, the jerk-face is now married to Ecks’ former wife. That’s called raising the stakes, kids!

 

44:30 Sever just shot an explosive into the bus carrying Ecks. Luckily, he already slipped his cuffs, so while the bus is sliding on its side, he grabs a gun, gets on top of the bus while it’s still sliding and fires at Sever.

 

44:45 The bus is still sliding.

 

44:50 The bus crashes into a car, making both vehicles erupt in flame; they hit another vehicle that also erupts in flame. Exploding cars number seven, eight and nine.

 

45:15 More pounding techno. Sever is escaping on a motorbike; luckily Ecks finds one laying nearby and gives chase. This is so bad ass I could walk into a wall.

 

47:15 Sever just used a grenade launcher to blow up a police vehicle. Exploding car count officially reaches double digits.

 

 47:35 Sever just shot a stack of four junk cars off the back of a big rig. Then she shot another grenade and blew them up. And just like we’re at exploding car count: fifteen.

 

47:56 Two cop cars just smashed into the wreckage and flew into the air. What the hell? Neither of them exploded. I feel ripped off.

 

48:53 Sever just told an injured Ecks where he can find his wife.

 

51:05 Sever just brought the caged kid his dinner: mac ‘n’ cheese, Jell-o, a Twinkie, a Hostess cupcake and giant brownie. Apparently giving a child diabetes isn’t covered by the Geneva Convention. And too bad the little guy doesn’t have a toilet in his cell.

 

51:20 Also, that kid has one facial expression: deer-caught-in-headlights.

 

 

OK, that’s the end of part one, surf over here tomorrow for the exciting conclusion to Me vs. Ecks vs. Sever, when Ecks is reunited with his wife, more cars explode and then some other things that aren’t cars explode.

 

-Dave Alexander

Comments

LOL...this was hilarious, I found myself cringing at the film without even having to see it! "Apparently giving a child diabetes isn’t covered by the Geneva Convention" <-- and that's just plain funny.

I shake my head at Banderas and Liu for their unfortunate choice. Looking forward to Part 2 in the hopes that car explosions will pass the 20 mark!!