The ABCs of Halloween II

[Warning: major spoilers ahead!]

A is for art direction

As in all of Rob Zombie’s films, Halloween II showcases some great art direction. The Halloween costume party attended by Laurie Strode (Scout Taylor-Compton) and her friends, the moonlit fields, even the blood-soaked bathroom looks cool. That’s the first positive thing I’m going to say about Halloween II. It’s also pretty much the last.

B is for Boogeymen

Michael Myers is supposed to be a boogeyman; every time Rob Zombie shows him as a boy (one who misses his mommy) or gives us look inside his psyche, he becomes more humanized and less frightening. How scary can your boogeyman be when you begin the film with him playing with a fricken toy horse?

C is for canine

At one point in the film Michael kills and eats a dog – raw, of course! – which is Zombie’s not-so subtle way of letting us know just what a bloody-thirsty savage he is. Or maybe it’s just that his favourite dish is hobo sushi…

D is for dialogue

(And for dreadful.) The worst part of any Rob Zombie film is the dialogue, and Halloween II doesn’t challenge the status quo. When characters aren’t stating the obvious (man clearly pinned in car wreck: “I’m trapped!”), they’re screaming profanity at each other like drunk truckers (my apologies to truckers), or cutting loose little gems like this line, courtesy Dr. Sam Loomis (Malcolm McDowell): “Let me make this clear: Michael Myers is dead! D-E-A-D!”

E is for epic

Rob Zombie’s Halloween II is an epic…

F is for fail

… fail, that is.

G is for girls

The depiction of girls in the film is amazingly clueless. According to Zombie, they love bands that were popular when he was growing up, like Black Flag, Alice Cooper, Motorhead and MC5; they rebel by getting tattoos of butterflies on their lower backs; for Halloween they dress like characters from The Rocky Horror Picture Show; and they decorate their rooms by spraying a pentagram and “666” on their doors.

H is for hobo hoodie

After disappearing from the coroner’s van, Michael hides out for year. He puts on a hoodie and looks like the world’s gnarliest squeegee kid. At least the dog-eating scene explains what he ate while on the run, so no one can accuse the film of lacking in, like, logic.

I is for ignite

Michael singlehanded flips a car into the ditch. The vehicle rolls once, then starts burning for some reason. This happens so we can see Michael carrying Laurie away from the wreck as a fire rages behind him, because being back-lit by flames makes things more profound (just ask Steven Seagal). What was I saying about cliches?

J is for John Carpenter

His original Halloween from 1978 is a masterpiece of atmosphere, suspense, sound design and direction. Sometimes I wonder if Rob Zombie ever watched that film.

K is for “Knights in White Satin”

Apparently there’s a TV station in Haddonfield that plays the Moody Blues performing “Knights in White Satin” on a loop, and everyone in town watches it. At least that explains why someone would want to go on a killing spree.

L is for “Lord of the Rings”

Michael’s mother, Deborah (Sherri Moon Zombie), appears in hallucinations/dreams dressed in a white gown, standing beside a white steed, like she’s waiting for some hobbits to join her at the Haddonfield renaissance fair.

M is for Mirror

Perhaps the number one overdone cliché in horror movies happens when someone looks in a bathroom mirror, opens the mirror door, and when he/she closes it, the killer/monster/ghost is suddenly seen in the reflection. Zombie does that here. Tsk, tsk, tsk…

N is for Norman Bates

Blame the original stab-happy, dead mother-obsessed killer for making mommy complexes part of the slasher formula. Zombie beats the concept to death by having Michael’s mom appear constantly in the film to drive his every move. Since Zombie’s married to Sheri Moon, it’s also plausible that he’d be kicked onto his big ol’ scary couch at nights if he didn’t feature her in the movie at least once every five minutes.

O is for overcooked

Most of the performances in Halloween are overcooked. Although Danielle Harris dials it down appropriately as the sheriff’s daughter, Annie. Even the mostly decent Brad Dourif, as her dad, is guilty of some hand-clenching emoting. And then there’s Tayor-Compton, who flies into screeching histrionics at the drop of a hat, and McDowell, who is downright embarrassing as a self-serving media whore and waaay over-the-top jerk.

P is for psychic connection

Because they’re siblings, Laurie and Michael have a psychic connection. The original Halloween series didn’t get this desperate until the fifth film.

Q is for Quentin Tarantino

Zombie wants to be Tarantino so badly, it’s tragic. From the “hip” pop-culture dialogue about nothing (Dourif’s character wonders if the “Marvin” in the saying “Starvin’ Marvin” was named after Lee Marvin), to the casting of fallen-off-the-radar actors (this time around we get Margot Kidder as Laurie’s shrink and Howard Hesseman as a hippie coffee shop owner), to the use of snippets of dialogue in between vintage songs on the soundtrack. Imitation is the sincerest form of heresy.

R is for random rednecks

In a completely unnecessary scene, a truck full of rednecks accosts Michael while he’s walking through a field. After they give him a beating, he gets right back up and bludgeons them to death. What does this add to the story? Why nothing, nothing at all.

S is for shack

The climax of the film takes place in dilapidated shack, where Michael has taken Laurie. Revealed to be brother and sister, they’re suffering the same delusion that their mother is there – as well as young Michael, who is holding Laurie to a chair. The cops surround the place, Loomis arrives, and the finale turns into the silliest hostage situation imaginable.

T is for timeline

Exactly at what point, between Michael getting institutionalized and her committing suicide, did Deborah Myers give birth to Laurie? I’d try to figure out the timeline but that would mean watching Zombie’s first Halloween movie.

U is for UHF

Seeing Weird Al in the movie makes me want to watch UHF again. It’s a classic. In fact, I bet Michael Myers would’ve turned out a lot differently if he would have had the chance to drink from the fire hose. And you can buy it new on DVD for less than the price of a movie ticket to see Halloween II. The choice is yours.

V is for Vespa

A scooter is the only way Michael, a classic slasher slow-walker, could arrive at the various locations in Haddonfield when he does. We see characters run and run, yet somehow Michael appears right behind them if they stop for few moments. Or maybe Michael rips around on a Segway when no one’s looking?

W is Weinstein

It amazes me that the studio responsible for Halloween II, The Weinstein Company, would look at the finished film and say, “Yup, let’s release this.” Then again, the company is on the verge of bankruptcy, so perhaps it has something to do with its artistic sensibilities.

X is for XXX sensibilities

Is Rob Zombie capable of making a film without a strip club or a stripper in it? Nope. In Halloween II Michael goes to the strip bar his mom used to work at and kills everyone there. The scene does nothing to advance the plot. It does, however, remind you that you could be somewhere else more fun.

Y is for Yankovic

As I already mentioned, Weird Al Yankovic appears in the movie, as himself on a talk show. Loomis addresses him as “Mr. Weird” and it is the best moment in the entire movie.

Z is, of course, for Zombie

Man, you’ve written some cool tunes, and you’re capable of some eye-catching visuals, but more and more I feel like I’m watching a modern day Ed Wood with a budget.

-Dave Alexander