Adam’s Grizzly… and Other Cool Posters

                               

As far as unsung heroes in the movie business go, I don’t think anyone is as instrumental in selling a film, yet gets so little credit as the poster artist. You’ve probably heard of Drew Struzan because of his classic Star Wars posters (and ones for Back to the Future, Jurassic Park, E.T. and The Thing). Saul Bass’ stylized posters for films such as The Man With the Golden Arm, Vertigo, North by Northwest, West Side Story and The Shining are instantly recognizable, as well. But beyond that, there are few artists whose name you can put to a particular movie poster. Wikipedia has a list of some of the artists, here, but it’s far from comprehensive.

One of the saddest things to happen to the world of movie marketing is the switch from illustrated posters to floating head photography featuring actors’ airbrushed faces. It’s true: they just don’t make ‘em like they used to. And of all the great movie poster art of yesteryear, the best stuff was created for the B- and C-movie genre pictures – flicks that lived and died by the attention-grabbing one-sheet. Usually the posters were a lot more exciting than the actual films, and one of the best examples of this is Grizzly.

William Girdler’s 1976 low-budget Jaws rip-off, er, homage, is a load of fun in a fake limbs ‘n’ stage blood kinda way, but it could never live up to the horrifying bear-tastrophe suggested by the monster on the movie poster. That image wholeheartedly lives up to the film’s tagline of “18 feet of gut crunching, man-eating terror!”  

The artist responsible is Neal Adams, who is best known for his comic book art. He crafted iconic images of Batman, Superman, Conan and loads of other heroes. Like many artists, he got his start in advertising and the newspaper business, where he worked on daily strips such as Ben Casey. In the 1960s he started working in the comics industry for Marvel and DC on all kinds of titles, notably ones featuring the characters listed above, plus Green Lantern/Green Arrow, The Avengers and X-Men. He also started the now-defunct Continuity Comics line, and moved into film-related art work through his Continuity Studios (the company’s website is poor, but you can see some of its movie concept art here). His massive portfolio also includes art for books, toy packaging, amusement park rides, album covers and advertisements. There’s a catalogue of his work at his site, here. If you’re somewhat familiar with the world of comic book art, you know the guy is a legend. But I’d like to take a look at some of his exceptionally cool movie posters.

As in his comic book art, the imagery is exceptionally dynamic. I’ve got a copy of that Street Fighter poster, and I love the mayhem splashed across it. The faces are so expressive, and Adams is a master at giving a 2-D image plenty of depth, by picking just the right angle and having all kinds of stuff (in this case, flying bodies) moving through the foreground and background.

Monsters, muscles and babes in peril are also staples of both comic books and B-movies, and there are some great examples in the Horror of the Blood Monsters poster art. If you’re ever had the (dis)pleasure of sitting through an Al Adamson movie, you know that the outrageousness of the title and the luridness of the poser art is inversely proportionate to the no-budget crumminess of the film. But what film could live up to that poster? You’ve got the mantis guy with the claws, the vampire guy carrying the girl, the dude in the back with snakes coming out of him, bats and assorted ghouls – and everyone gets fangs for good measure.

On the other hand, the poster for Westworld, a Hollywood sci-fi western starring Yul Brenner and James Brolin, showcases its stars while also giving you a tease of exactly what you want to see in the movie: a hideous robotic cowboy with its metal guts exposed. And talk about malevolence – in this poster the Brenner-bot is nearly as terrifying as the bear on the Grizzly poster. And how can you not love that font?

Lastly, Death Promise. I know almost nothing about this 1977 film (the tagline says all you need to know: “Filthy rich landlords get away with murder. It's time they pay for it.”), but I’m sold on that poster. A burning building, someone getting thrown (overhead!), some other guys being terrorized with rats, and a protagonist who’s been so damn busy fighting, he’s torn his shirt to ribbons. What. More. Do. You. Need? This one’s also an ideal example of the eye-popping colour palettes of those classic posters. As far as eye candy goes, Neal Adams’ posters are Pop Rocks.

If only there was one for something called Horror of the Grizzly Fighter...

-Dave Alexander

High Calibre Entertainment

“His trigger has all the answers.” It’s one of the all time great action movie taglines, courtesy the 1986 Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle Raw Deal. So simple, so true, so ‘80s. During the Reagan era there were seemingly few problems that couldn’t be solved by bigger or more firepower, and at the movies no man was better armed (in more than one sense of the word – the guy had pipes like mountain ranges) than Arnie. Raw Deal may be his shootin’-est film ever.

OK, given that it’s the 25^th anniversary of the Terminator, and that Terminator: Salvation opens this weekend, the obvious choice would be to write about that franchise. However, given the dismal reviews of the film (at the time of this writing, it’s at a lousy 35% Fresh on Rotten Tomatoes), that it isn’t a Schwarzenegger film and, well, really, that I picked up Raw Deal on DVD at HMV for six bucks, I’d like to revisit this particular testosterone-fuelled morality tale first. Arnold

stars as Mark Kaminsky, a former F.B.I. agent who was screwed over by the bureau and now works as a small town sheriff. His wife hates it in the boonies and has turned to drinking, and he’s… well, at least he’s got a jeep. Kaminsky gets his chance to regain his old life when the son of a former colleague (played by Darren McGavin – from the ‘70s Night Stalker series!) is killed while trying to protect a witness who was going to testify against the Chicago mob. Slopping roughly half a litre of Brylcreem on his head and donning an expensive suit, Kaminsky goes undercover (unbeknownst to anyone but the man who hired him) as “Joseph P. Brenner” to take down the organized crime gang, avenge the death of his friend’s son and expose the leak that caused his death. Along the way he’s aided by a gambling addicted gangster’s moll, who falls for him. And, in true ‘80s fashion, it stars character actor Robert Davi (he’s one of those guys who has played the heavy in scores of action flicks) as a ruthless mobster.

What most people don’t know about the film is that it was co-written by Norman Wexler, who penned Saturday Night Fever and its sequel Stayin’ Alive, and Italian screenwriters Luciano Vincenzoni Luciano and Sergio Donati, whose combined writer credits include some legendary spaghetti westerns, including For a Few Dollars More, A Fistful of Dynamite, Death Rides a Horse, Once Upon a Time in the West, and The Good, The Bad and the Ugly. The latter screenwriting credits explains both why the film feels like a gritty western, with its bloody shoot-outs and renegade ultra-masculine protagonist, and more than a little misogynist (or maybe it’s just that it’s an ‘80s action movie…).

Back in the day I had a weight room in the basement of our family home. I covered the walls with cheap Arnie posters I’d find at the mall. There were ones for Conan, Commando, The Terminator, Total Recall and my favourite: Raw Deal. So why did I like that one the most?

Maybe because it was the grittiest, least fantasy-based one… or maybe the slicked back hair, the cigar and the gun just made him seem like the ultimate tough guy, and being “tough” is not an unusual aspiration for a teenage boy.

The scene that epitomizes Raw Deal, and the only one I really remembered before watching the film again, is the part when Arnold’s driving around a quarry in a convertible, chomping on a cigar and making impossible shots where he’s picking off thugs standing atop rock piles – all while listening to “Satisfaction” by the Stones. It’s definitely one for the Arnold Schwarzenegger Glorification of Violence Highlight Reel.

Watching that scene again, I wondered, “What if those ‘thugs’ were just regular guys with families hired as security at the quarry?” What if, that morning, they said goodbye to their families and went off their jobs making sure no one tried to steal any rocks? Then all of a sudden some muscle-bound psycho in a Caddy comes tearing through the place, shooting it up. Maybe those guys were just doing their jobs, and now their wives are widows and their kids are going to have to grow up without fathers! It’s not fair.

Screw that! This is an ‘80s action movie, if the hero wasted those guys, they totally had it coming. They probably group-mugged an old lady on the way to work and threw her walker in front of a steamroller. That’s the thing about this type of film: there are few moral grey areas, which makes them both stupid and enjoyably easy to digest.

Raw Deal may not have killer cyborgs from the future, sword-wielding barbarians or a stolen identity conspiracy unfolding on Mars, but it does have the moral fantasy of a simple world where clearly good men carry out justice against clearly bad men – using plenty of bullets. Of course this isn’t a reasonable world view in real life, but if I wanted questions that could be answered without a trigger, I’d watch Jeopardy, not Raw Deal.

For six bucks, the Raw Deal DVD is a great deal (even though it doesn’t have any extras).

Can I have Bad Guys That Need Shooting for a thousand, Arnold?

 

-Dave Alexander

I [Heart] Self-Promotion

I was interviewed by the Toronto Star for an article on the My Bloody Valentine reunion I organized, which is happening this coming Thursday at the Bloor cinema in Toronto. If you're a fan of the 1981 Canuck slasher classic, check out the article by Paul Corupe, here. And if you're in the area and would like to attend and see the film on the big screen for the first time ever with the cut gore scenes restored, there's more info on the event here.

-Dave Alexander

Boob Job

According to naked celebrity-themed site Mr. Skin, “The biggest celebrity nudity news of the year is in—and 2009 isn't even half over! The forthcoming release Powder Blue will indeed include Jessica Biel nude.”

Well, at least the film has something for boob watchers. What a waste of a topless Biel, though. One assumes that the actress really believed in the script for Powder Blue to agree to her first nude scene, but yikes, wrong project to bare her soul and whatnots. In fact, writer-director Timothy Linh Bui should probably send a fruit basket to Ridley Scott and Paul Verhoeven, as it’s only because of Striptease and the legendarily awful Showgirls that Powder Blue is not the worst stripper movie ever made. And that’s too bad, because if it were a little sillier, it’d be a lot more campy fun. Instead, it’s a cloying, cliché-riddled 106 minutes of self-importance that desperately wants to be Magnolia, or Crash (and not the good, perverted David Cronenberg Crash, the obvious and mediocre Paul Haggis Crash).

Crammed with coincidence and life-lessons, Powder Blue is centered around Biel’s character, Rose Johnny, who lives in a hotel and works at a strip club, where she’s the main attraction due to her extraordinary stripper routines, such as emerging from a sheet-cocoon suspended from the ceiling and splashing hot wax all over herself – OK, that and her rockin’ hot bod. But don’t judge her! After all, she’s doing it to pay the bills for her comatose son (and, um, to buy coke), and if things weren’t going bad enough, her dog runs away and the club owner is pressuring her to prostitute herself to patrons. Patrick Swayze – who apparently made an enemy in the wardrobe department – hits a career low playing bleached rocker mane-sportin’ bar owner Johnny Velvet (check out the pic!). The guy went from A-list to D-cup.

Jeez, wouldn’t it be great if someone came along to save Rose from all these problems? In most movies our fractured heroine would have one saviour, but in Powder Blue there are two. The first is Jack Doheny (Ray Liotta), who has just finished a 25-year prison term and seeks out his long-lost daughter. (Kris Kristofferson is wasted in a cameo as his former boss who gives him a case full of money as thanks for his silence.) But he can’t just tell Rose the truth, so he enters her life as a kindly stranger – a plot thread that plays out exactly as you’d expect, except for an unintentionally hilarious scene that recalls the finale of The Shining.

Saviour number two is Qwerty Doolittle (Edward Redmayne), nervous asthmatic who inherited his father’s cash-strapped funeral home. He’s also never had a girlfriend, draws dark, angsty pictures and has a passion for marionettes, because if you’re named after a row of letters on a keyboard, you’d better damn well be quirky. He hits Rose’s dog with his car, which brings them together way too late in the film for the standard unlikely romance plot thread.

The fourth player in this ensemble drama is suicidal lapsed priest Charlie, played by Forest Whittaker, who demonstrated a remarkable lapse in judgment by also co-producing the film. Aside from a brief encounter with Qwerty, Charlie’s presence in the film is completely unnecessary. Once in a while we check in with the character to watch him brood in the rain, discover love in the form of a kindly diner waitress (Lisa Kudrow, who manages to not embarrass herself in this mess), get fist-shakingly angry at god for his bride’s death and get tangled up with a cross-dressing prostitute – so we can learn that drug-addicted tranny hookers are people too… well, sort of. Things don’t end so well there.

The film is very simplistic and conservative in its moral universe, as the lapsed rediscover faith, former “bad” people are redeemed through hardship or self-sacrifice and the dregs of society are punished. It’s the kind of movie with all the complexity of a music video; it rains when things are particularly dire, literal nakedness is the obvious metaphor for vulnerability and heaven is represented by an over-lit day at the beach. As far as the title goes, it’s the shade of Ray Liotta’s eyes, it shows up as a colour motif throughout the narrative and there’s a blue snowfall at the end of the film that’s intended to be something utterly transcendent, but is more likely just some frozen toilet water jettisoned from a passing airplane. At least that would be the appropriate metaphor.

Alright, so let’s get down to brass tacks and brass poles: does Biel’s nudity warrant a look at Powder Blue? (Out on DVD and Blu-ray on June 16th, from Paradox.) Granted, the stripper scenes are lit, shot and edited for maximum ogling opportunities, with the kind of drooling attention reminiscent of Showgirls. And Biel is a gorgeous creature so, yeah, it’s fantastic stuff if you’re in the Mr. Skin camp. But, dammit, even though a little breast can go a long way, there simply is no mammry miracle that can warrant sitting through this utterly – you guessed it – flat film.

 

-Dave Alexander

The Trekening

Well, there are no tribbles in it, so it can't be a perfect Trek experience... but the new Star Trek is still a helluva voyage for Trekkers, casual fans and newbies alike. You don't have to take my word for it, though.

In March I enlisted the three biggest Star Trek fans that I know to speculate on J.J. Abram’s fresh take on the movie franchise – based on what they could glean from the trailer. (Read their comments here.) This past weekend we went together to see the new movie, and I asked them to give me their thoughts on it now. We were roundly surprised at how good it is, on almost every level. I’ve interviewed the members of our away-team below to discuss the finer points of an experience we’ll call…The Trekkening!

But before we get started, I’ve reposted their pics and stats, so you can get acquainted, or reacquainted, with our team of Trek specialists.

 

Meet the landing party:

 
Name: Colin
Occupation: Software Consultant
Trekker cred: Watched every Star Trek series, movie, and the fan-made series Star Trek: Phase II.

Name: Justin
Occupation: Illustrator/Graphic Designer
Trekker cred: I own Star Trek: The Next Generation on DVD in its entirety, and have the TNG-era communicator pin proudly displayed on my laptop case. I've gone to the FanExpo here in Toronto for around eight years in a row now, and I always make a point to meet any Trek personalities they have in attendance. In college if a Trek episode I hadn't seen before was on TV, I would skip class to watch it.

Name: Liisa
Occupation: Chief Officer of Rock Writing
Trekker Cred: Formerly known as that girl dressed up like Deanna Troi at cons. Hey, we have the same eyebrows.

And now, those questions (WARNING: SPOILERS):

Sensors indicated a high level of enjoyment from this new Trek. How does it rank for you?

 

C: It's a fun movie and it's great if you factor in the difficulty of "let's restart Star Trek with different actors playing iconic characters, have it tie into existing continuity, and make the film accessible to non-Trek fans." That's a huge minefield that they expertly navigated. Still, I would rank this one after Wrath of Khan and Undiscovered Country (Star Trek II and VI).  The new Star Trek may be more of a spectacle, but those films have better character development and story.

 

J: Ensign, set course to excitement, maximum warp. Engage!

 

L: Star Trek Begins (well, they could have called it that) was by far my favourite Trek feature yet. Because of its (mostly) all new cast, the film felt completely fresh, as opposed to merely a big-budget two-hour TV episode, like even the best of the previous films. My main concern going in was that it would be a straight-up action film for kids; while the two-hour running time did fly by at warp speed from one fight scene to the next, it never felt stupid. That's not to say it couldn't have been smarter: this is the only Abrams creation I've watched that didn't leave me scratching my head on some level, pondering both profound questions and mind-bending minutiae. It's clearly setting up a sequel, which I hope will tackle more complex ideas.

 

I thought the film was much funnier that I expected (for example, the guy in the red suit who goes on the away mission). What was your biggest surprise while watching the new Trek?

 

C: *SPOILER* My biggest surprise was the death of Spock's mom. She always helped Spock deal with his human side in the original series. My second biggest surprise was how well they balanced the supporting characters (Bones, Chekov, Sulu, Uhura, Scotty) with the main characters of Spock and Kirk. They all had important roles in the film.

 

J: I think the biggest surprise for me was the film itself! I didn't expect to like it as much as I did. Also, the amount of small details culled directly from previous Trek outings was extremely welcome. It showed that while trying to capture a new audience they weren't going to ignore the pre-existing one. Chris Pine as Kirk was also a huge surprise. I didn't think he'd be able to do Kirk as good as he did, but he captured the character pretty damn well.

 

L: I was delighted at the screen time for Leonard Nimoy. I was expecting no more than a cameo but his presence looms large. (Does anyone else think he resembles Leonard Cohen a bit much these days?) Despite what the trailer suggests, Chris Pine is much better as Kirk than I had assumed he would be; I hope he's ready for a life-time playing the guy now. Otherwise, yes, I loved the consistent injection of in-jokes (both dialogue and visuals), which mostly seemed targeted directly for the Trek fans.

 

Who are your favourite three characters in the film, and why?

 

C: 1) Kirk – intuitive, clever, ladies man, and can handle himself in a fight. 2) McCoy – Karl Urban brings the curmudgeon-ness and nails McCoy. 3) Chekov/Mr. Scott – tie.  Both of them brought a lot of humour into the film.  I liked Chekov's excitement and eagerness towards problem solving and although they call him "Scotty" in the film, it's not the same personality of the Montgomery Scott that we knew. This may have bothered me if it was anyone else playing that character, but it's Simon Pegg doing a Scottish accent on a spaceship – how can you not like that?

 

J: Karl Urban as Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy is definitely up there. My first impression when hearing he was playing Bones was something like, "You mean Eomer (Lord of the Rings) is playing Bones?! How do you go from a Rider of Rohan to the Chief Medical Officer aboard the Enterprise?!" But he did it really well, and needed more screen time! Bruce Greenwood as Captain Pike was also great, because he became the father figure and inspiration that Chris Pine's Kirk needed. Lastly, that Red Shirt that bought it trying to take down the planet-destroying bathtub plug. It was the perfect set up of the obligatory red shirt death! Here's this potentially crazy motherfucker that wants to "kick Romulan ass" and that attitude is what ends up killing him. Amazing. Never wear red in Star Trek.

 

L: First two are logical: Spock and Spock. (Although calling Nimoy "Spock 

Prime" has an unwelcome Transformers ring to it, doesn't it?). They look sharp and, ironically, display the greatest range of emotion of all the characters. And then that little alien on Delta Vega working with Mr. Scott; I hope Burger King makes some toys of that dude.

Um, I forgot to mention that Spock is hot. Just so you know.

 

I already know that you guys liked it, but let’s nitpick a bit at some of the stuff that bugged you. For example, I don’t see how it would be so easy for an alien ship to show up on either Earth or Vulcan with a ludicrous umbilical drilling machine and start messing stuff up without anyone doing much about it. Shouldn’t that ship have been under attack immediately?

 

C: I actually don't think the umbilical drilling machine is ludicrous, as you would want to be as close to a planet's surface to use it (less energy required) without getting caught in the debris dustup, thus you’d place your ship in orbit. Also, the Romulan ship was attacked immediately where it appeared. We heard what happened to a fleet of Klingons and saw what happened to a Federation fleet when the Enterprise warped to Vulcan. The Romulan ship only lowers the mining umbilical once a planet's defenses have been wiped out. Unfortunately, we didn't get to see what happened to Earth's defenses, leaving us to assume that Pike gave up the defense codes and the Romulan ship eliminated them.

Other nitpicky stuff: 1) the Vulcan ship that contained the "red matter" had the potential to create hundreds of thousands of black holes but didn't have anyone guarding it, especially after intruders boarded their ship (didn't it occur to them that maybe there's more intruders and they should secure their doomsday device?). 2) Excessive lens flare and reflections. 3) Kirk running into Spock on the ice planet, those are quite the odds.

 

J: That is my number one nitpick! So, this giant ship is going to bore a hole directly into the planet's core, and all you're going to do is watch? It would have helped to see Nero plow through some defenses first, but still. And only two guys guarding the thing?

The constant lens/light flares that streak across the screen became pretty offensive when you couldn't tell what was going on, since they occupied the entire screen.

Finally: Winona Ryder. I really didn't buy her as Spock's mother. If anything, she took you out of the experience, her being a name actor amongst younger and lesser-knowns, and once again trying to have an accent. I hate to admit it but I was glad when she died, and might have said, "That's what you get for Dracula" under my breath. Some of the lines they gave to Nero were a little cringe-worthy, as well.

 

L: 1. Um, isn't the Prime Directive to not interfere with the destiny of others, particularly through introducing technology from the future? Oopsie.

2. I'd like to be transported to an alternate timeline with so many convenient co-incidences too. Fancy Starfleet hanging around Kirk's farmtown in Iowa, looking for new recruits. Also handy: exiled Kirk landing not only on the planet in which Spock is hiding but mere tumbling distance from his door.

 

Did the filmmakers do a good job of tying this one into the rest of the Star Trek universe?

 

C: I think so, but deciding to do a parallel time line rather than trying to maintain the existing timeline really freed them from having to maintain established continuity in the past.

 

J: Yes, and I hope they make more!

 

L: It did feel right, but mostly because of the bang-on casting, not the plot. But ultimately that wasn't the goal was it? It was to boldly go and bring the Star Trek universe to a next generation of audiences. I'm sure nobody, Abrams least of all, wanted to piss off the life-time Trek fans, but since it's their destiny to nitpick, there's no winning anyway.

 

When Spock takes the elders from that temple, exactly what do you think they were doing in there?

 

C: They were playing ring-around-the-statue, a Vulcan favourite for over 5000 years.  Either that or they were praying, despite how that would seemingly conflict with logic.

 

J: Something not very logical!

 

L: I like to think they were convening the tribal council to vote Winona Ryder out of the movie, but that's probably just me.

 

 

Thanks to our resident Trek experts for their time. And a final note: if you’re on the fence about seeing it for some reason, don’t wait for DVD, as it’s a truly theatrical experience. See it in on as big a screen as possible, in a movie theatre with a ridiculously huge sound system, because it takes full advantage of technology and the movie itself just feels so big. In other words, when stuff starts exploding en masse, you’re gonna feel like you’re there (except for the shots in space, because then you’d be very cold and unable to breathe).

OK, final, final note: I also wrote a piece for MSN about the eight best lighthearted riffs on the Star Trek universe, and you can read it here.

There's something weird, and it don’t look good…

“It’s all explainable in the realm of physics as we know it. There’s really nothing that can’t be explained. You can grasp the concept of ghosts if you think about molecules and hydrogen in the air and how its all composed of molecules, and the ether and air around us really has a substance and it’s moving, and you have atoms, which make up everything in nature, and you have a nucleus and you have particles rotating around that nucleus. Well, what’s in between? There’s space in between that, and I think the space in between the nucleus of an atom and an electron is as infinite as the space out there, so you think in those terms and anything is possible – it could all transmutate and change. You have to understand spirits and phantasms, you have to take into account the Big Bang, what people are saying about parallel dimensions, and encourage people to keep reading and keep an open mind.”

Where do you think that quote came from? A New Age religion pamphlet? An episode of Mysteries of the Unknown? The hippie selling healing crystals and rain sticks at the craft fair? A science teacher with a head injury? Actually, it’s one of the Ghostbusters!?!

Last night, after a very grueling week at work, all I wanted to do was flop on the couch and watch Ghostbusters, say a few “Hail Venkmans, full of grace” and call it a night. Unfortunately, the power went out in my neighbourhood part way through the film (right during the first ‘busting montage, dammit!) and didn’t come back on until late. When I got up this morning, I just didn’t feel like diving back into the film but – with all the talk of the upcoming Ghostbusters video game and third movie – I was still craving slime, so instead I finally checked out the special features on the Ghostbusters DVD. There’s a featurette on there recorded in 1999, featuring interviews with Ivan Reitman, Harold Raimis and Dan Aykroyd, in which he busts out the above quote in all of its random, rambling, nonsensical glory.

You might remember that Aykroyd hosted Psi Factor: Chronicles of the Paranormal back in the ‘90s, starred in the documentary Dan Aykroyd Unplugged on UFOs and that he has never shied away from talking about his belief in UFOs, spirits and other paranormal things (to quote him again from the Ghostbusters featurette, “This is part of our culture, and the physics of our planet, that people really do leave behind bio-electric residues when they go.”), and now I wonder how much of the ghost-talk in the movie was just him writing what he knows.

That was a decade ago, however, so you may be wondering if it was a phase, that now he’s moved on to less fantastical obsessions, like say his line of booze.

Nope, he’s just fused the two. I checked out the site for his Crystal Head Vodka, which features a lengthy video bringing together the world of the supernatural and the world of high-end liquor – specifically “crystal head triple Herkimer diamond-filtered Newfoundlanddeep aquifer pure spirit vodka.” He talks about the usual things you’d expect in a fancy booze pitch – the cool packaging, the distillation process, the flavour, etc. – but it’s all couched in “the legend of the thirteen crystal heads.” (Imagine how much better Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull would’ve been if Indiana would've discovered that the skulls were full of vodka.)

The video of Aykroyd is bizarre and hilarious, and begins thusly: “Since I was a child, I’ve been fascinated by the invisible world, a world that can help us get through life if we know how to draw upon its power. A world serving positive projections, wherein you use your own personal mental and spiritual abilities to believe and subsequently make true the things that you want to have happen to yourself. Also, healing and miracles, the presences of spirits and beings once living, now gone into another life, but who continue to intrude into our waking consciousness by, for instance, haunting people or places.”

 It sounds like something out of an Ed Wood movie. In fact, compare this Plan 9 From Outer Space intro with narrator Criswell to Aykroyd’s video on the Crystal Head Vodka site. Forget the Ghostbusters, somebody call the Mythbusters.

Then again, as this video suggests, maybe Aykroyd himself is not of this world...

-Dave Alexander

The ABCs of Wolverine

A is for Alberta

This is where both Wolverine and I hail from, a place depicted in the X-Men series as a rough, redneck-filled wilderness, which, well, isn’t entirely fictional, depending on what part of it you’re from. The mountainous parts of the film were actually shot in B.C., however.

 

B is for Bar

According to Wolverine, the bars in Alberta look like they’re assembled from materials sourced from a post-apocalyptic junkyard. But at least the bartenders are polite, friendly and dressed in flannel. Hilarious. Bar is also for lowering the bar, which this awful movie does for superhero films in general.

 

C is for Clichés

The only way screenwriters David Benioff and Skip Woods could cram any more lines of hideously cliché dialogue is with a pneumatic shoehorn. Example: “If I learned anything about life, it's this: always play the hand you're dealt. My name is Gambit... and I play for keeps.” Embarrassing. But if it were only the dialogue, read on…

 

D is for Decapitation

Wondering just how dumb this film can really get? At one point, mad scientist military man William Stryker (Danny Huston, who is, by the way, son of legendary filmmaker John Huston) creates Deadpool, a mutant with all the other mutants’ powers. Stryker controls him via an early 1990s computer by typing in commands, notably “decapitate.” Apparently Wolverine was ghost written by eleven-year-olds.

 

E is for Evil

One of the worst things you can do in a story is make your human antagonist evil past the point of humanity, and that’s exactly what happens here with Stryker. FYI: Magneto is such a compelling villain because he’s got plenty of sympathetic and downright likable facets to his character. Stryker just becomes nastier and nastier as the plot progresses. Borrrrrrrrring.

 

F is for Face Off

No, I’m not referring to hockey (although I wonder if Wolverine is an Oilers or a Flames fan?), but the idiotic head-on collision run that Wolverine and Sabretooth break into every time they face off in battle. The tone of this film is uneven, and in these sequences it turns anime in its depiction of action.

 

G is for Gavin Hood

He directed the film. Granted, the script he had to work with is terrible, but he hurls a lot of additional cheese on this stale cracker, with lame action sequences (e.g. Ryan Reynolds’ character uses his CGI swords to stop a barrage of CGI bullets). Then again, why was this South African filmmaker even chosen for this project, seeing as his previous features were the serious dramas Rendition and Tsotsi? That sound like an ideal choice for an American comic book movie to you?

 

H is for Humvee

The timelines in Wolverine are completely confusing. At one point in the movie, we’re led to believe that it’s the 1970s; at least all of the trucks are from the ‘70s. Then a Humvee shows up. Granted, it’s the military, and they had ‘em first, but the vehicle wasn’t introduced until 1984.

 

I is for Island

As in Three Mile Island, where the climax of the film takes place, during which it’s discovered that Stryker is carrying out his nefarious mutant experiments there. This is a nuclear facility, yet the place is a ghost town and easily accessible by plane or boat. Funnier yet, the place gets trashed, including an entire reactor getting leveled, yet, still no sign of anyone. Only in the last few moments of the film, when it’s time to skedaddle, do some fire trucks arrive on the scene of what is clearly a major catastrophe. And I’m talking about both the rubble and the movie itself.

 

J is for Jackman

Hugh Jackman throws himself into the role of the character despite so much truly awful dialogue and other crippled-script nonsense. Watching him reminded me of those strongman competitions that air on cable channels sometimes, where these really strong guys are givin’ it their all, but after a while, even they can’t lift anymore dead weight.

 

K is for Kitch

Taylor Kitch plays Gambit, and he looks like he accidentally got lost on his way to the set of the Twilight movie and ended up in Wolverine. He also promptly forgets about his N’awlins accent after the first couple of scenes with him in it. Nice head of hair, though…

 

L is for Love Interest (and Lynn)

Lynn Collins, who you might recognize from the HBO series True Blood, is Logan/Wolverine’s earthy girlfriend, Kayla. Her character’s job is to be yet another reason for our hero’s angst. If her character was written with any personality, we just might care what happens to her. Meh.

 

M is for Montage

The opening credit sequence of the film depicts Jackman’s character and Liev Schreiber’s character (who becomes Sabretooth) as two indestructible brothers fighting beside each other in every war from the American Revolution to Vietnam. It’s actually quite an effective way to depict their age, battle skills, powers and animalistic personalities. Annnnnd then it’s all downhill from there.

 

N is for Nuclear Reactor

For no reason whatsoever, a character, who has just fought savagely for his life, jumps into a nuclear reactor. We know from the other X-Men films that he’s not dead, but it makes no freakin’ sense nonetheless. Another example of how utterly stupid this movie is.

 

O is for Opening Weekend

Wolverine made enough money this past weekend to fund a team of X-Men and a mansion to house them in – over $87 million. This speaks to the fact that negative reviews and a leaked workprint are no match for the popularity of the character, which means that Fox didn’t have to try very hard at all to make a mint on this. It’s depressing really, especially since I contributed.

 

P is for Police

At no time in the film do they appear. Not when Wolverine, Gambit and Sabretooth decide to destroy a chunk of a Bourbon Street back alley (I’ve been to Bourbon Street – there are police officers in abundance there), not when a couple of trespassers invade Three Mile Island and not even when Three Mile Island is being leveled.

 

Q is for Quaint

At one point in the film Wolverine escapes to a picturesque farm, owned by Ma and Pa Kent from Superman. At least that’s how they come across. It’s the cliché scenario where the salt of the earth farm folk put themselves out for stranger. In return, they’re pointlessly murdered – so Wolverine can have even more angst, over people he just met – and then a barn is blown up with a rocket, just for the sake of seeing something big explode. Here, we also learn where Wolverine got his leather jacket. I dare you to care.

 

R is for Ryan Reynolds

He plays assassin Wade Wilson in the film, a character on the military team Wolverine is a member of at one point. Reynolds was actually in a superhero film that’s worse than Wolverine, Blade: Trinity. Will he ever be a credible leading man? Sometimes I wonder, “Will he eventually embrace his comedic talents and have a career like Alec Baldwin?” Then I wonder, “Why in the hell am I thinking about Ryan Reynolds, I’m an idiot.”

 

S is for Schrieber

Liev Schreiber is another bright spot in this film. Buffed up, vicious and sporting a 10,000-yard stare, the guy’s got great presence as a heavy. He’s come a long way since the Scream trilogy. Never underestimate the power of good beard growth, either.

 

T is for Tough Luck

I’ve dropped some spoilers in this blog post, but tough luck, there’s no reason to see the film anyhow, unless you’re a diehard comic book fan, in which case you’ve already been subjected to it. And y’know what else is “tough luck?” Me spending $12.50 on a crap movie, that’s what. FYI: more spoilers ahead…

 

U is for Unfinished effects

Wolverine’s claws look like cartoons half of the time. Did the CGI budget get cut back halfway through the shoot to pay for Hugh Jackman’s hot tub full of vegemite?

 

V is for Van Helsing

No matter how bad the reviews for Wolverine are, Jackman can take solace in knowing that Van Helsing will always be worse (or maybe he can’t take solace in that, actually). It’s proof that the actor might not have the best sense of what makes a good script. Just thinking about that movie makes Wolverine seem a little better, though.

 

W is for Walkie-Talkie

Stryker uses an older style walkie-talkie to communicate with the helicopter hunting down Logan. Problem: he’s underground in a bunker. If only that was the least of the film’s logic problems.

 

X is for Xavier

Wolverine’s fake-looking claws are nothing compared to whatever happened to Patrick Stewart’s face. He appears as a younger Professor Xavier, and he was digitally de-aged, giving him all the facial features of Ziggy. It’s downright creepy.

Y is for Yell

There is a Cliché Hell awaiting filmmakers who depict a character grieving over a dead loved one by looking to the sky and screaming as the camera pulls up and away. It's done twice in Wolverine, and that's entirely unforgivable.

 

Z is for Zero

And that’s the chance of me watching this film ever again.

-Dave Alexander